for Real Vampires, submitted by Adam. Many Something Awful readers have a very huge problem that they don't like talking about; snakes in their toilet's plumbing. In addition to this unfortunate issue, many readers are also vampires and have to deal with "real life" vampire problems like being a member of the undead and generally not approving of Jesus Christ. Lucky for those dopes there's " for Real Vampires," a website dedicated to all your vampire issues that you face on a daily, well nightly basis.

I hate to say it, but if you cannot find fresh blood, you may just have to ride it out and bear it. Else buy some larger rodents they sell at pet shops to feed snakes with, and feed from those. :-/

I know the blood from a rare/medium-rare steak is not the same as fresh, but it will keep you from going completely mad. A word of caution: Don't cook hamburger or ground meat rare or less-cooked than a very good medium-rare. There's the chance of it having E. coli, which is a surface bacteria, and might not get killed in a hamburger/ground meat if it's not cooked fully. E. coli gets eliminated when cooked, so if it IS present on a steak or something of that nature, then it won't be on the inside, -- just the surface -- and will be destroyed and safe to consume.

Yes, I know it's not the same, as I said. But unless you can find a source or sources, then you may need to resort to that once or twice a week. It IS better than nothing.

Let me remind you guys that there are real people living amongst us who honestly believe they are vampires. Sure, it's easy to find their site on the Internet when somebody retarded like us provides you a link to it, but you could be walking next to these people in the store, talking to them on the phone, or buying your Arby's combo meal from them and not even know that they consider themselves to be a productive member of the undead race. I'm not afraid of these people because I think they're vampires, I'm afraid of these people because THEY think they're vampires... and there's nothing stopping a vampire from purchasing a handgun and mowing me down while I wait in line at Vons.

PS: If you need some help locating a friendly vampire near you, be sure to consult their Vampire Community Events Calendar. Yes, that's right, vampires plan their meetings on the Internet. Makes you wonder how being a vampire hunter got such a tough reputation.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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