Are you going through life bare-faced? Slap on some goggles, if you can wrap the one-size-fits-all strap around your gigantic noggin, and dive with me into the refreshing pool of Face Accessories!

The Sauna Face Mask makes your face sweat. This is supposed to be good, though it's obviously depressing, according to the pic. "It's really small and I don't have a big head," reads a one-star review, from someone who clearly DOES have a big head. Again, see the pic. Normal head equals no problem.

Now that you've got your face covered, it's time to class up the back of your head by covering it with shit. Haha, no, just kidding! It's not real animal shit from a butt! It's "doody," a stuffed brown turd made of fabric, and you don't stick it to your own head. Someone else throws it AT your head. That's the game of Doody Head. If that doesn't seem fun to you, remember that games don't have to be fun.

"This picture shows 2 adult men... [it] could barely fit the head of my 5 year old niece." Obviously, this one-star reviewer has a giant head, much like that Sauna Mask complainer we just discussed.

This is an anti-aging mask, which probably works. I'm guessing the lady in the illustration is around 70-80 years old, but you can't tell, since she's been using the mask.

As you might have guessed: "...this product is SO small (or my head is gigantic.)" I think I know which it is, you top-heavy whiner. "...too tight to get around my head and even my friends head," said another one-star champion, who obviously makes friends based on whether they have an equally giant head.

Let's move on to something with zero purported medical benefit. This is a "nose warmer." Is it too small? NO! "Functional ... My wife's nose gets cold," lauds a five-star review from a man whose wife, thankfully, has a normal-sized head.

I can't help but notice that a "related" item is something vaguely called "Mens Sexy Wear" (NSFW!) that looks suspiciously similar to the nose warmer. But maybe this is the secret behind keeping those big-headed facelunks away from the nose-warmer complaint department.

I figured I had to try one of these for myself. After all, I have one of the largest heads of anyone I know, with a circumference of 24 inches. I selected the Voberry Hot Red Anti Wrinkle 3D Half Face Slimming Cheek Mask Lift V Face Line Slim up Belt Strap Massage, mostly because of its extremely impressive cost-to-words-in-product-name ratio. "Way too small to use," warned a verified purchaser. Well...

Who are these giant-headed monsters, and why do they keep buying and reviewing face accessories?

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)

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