The Eating of an Apple: The Fewest Bites

Great job, grilledcheesemaj! Once you cram that apple in your mouth, you'll be the toast of DeviantArt! You'll surpass goku69 and xXxbloodyXkissesxXx as the new king of the self-obssessed internet youth. I see you're already dressed for the occassion in your ironic Batman t-shirt. I bet your friends really dig it, by the way. I bet you all laugh at how ironic it is to wear a shirt from a stupid show you have no intention of ever watching. However, I'm willing to bet the Hot Topic you bought it from for 19.99 is laughing just slightly harder.

By the way, nice dreadlocks. For those of you who don't know how to grow dreadlocks, here's a quick primer:

  1. Be a fucking disgusting prick
  2. Never wash your hair ever
  3. Congratulations! Your hair now consists of a shitload of unwashed knots and you'll never be gainfully employed!
  4. Smoke a lot of pot (optional, but encouraged).

There's plenty more I could make fun of you for: your retarded "pirate" bandanna you're using to keep your disgusting hair in check, your incredibly unflattering piercings... but no, I think we'll just keep it simple here: you posted a video of yourself cramming an apple into your mouth to impress people on DeviantArt. Good job, grilledcheesemaj! You win the prestigious AwfulVision™ "Most likely to die in a house fire because you somehow fought off the fire fighters and ran back in to save your 311 LPs and the 15 dollars worth of weed you stole from your cousin" award!

Come to think of it, maybe Hot Topic isn't the only one that's laughing slightly harder.

Critics Corner™

"ya umm are you practicing for your boyfriend??? to fit it in or to keeep noise out wich one homo?"

"women are disgusting"

"your a fag 1/5"

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About This Column

As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!

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