If you've been on the Internet for more than five minutes, you know that it's a wonderful treasure trove of whining and crying and bitching from people who aren't exactly lucky with the ladies. They update their sites and their Livejournals with detailed, angst-filled accounts of their failures with the opposite sex. When they do actually manage to get a date with a female, the date tends to go horribly awry for one of a variety of reasons; they're too clingy, the girl is too clingy, the girl actually is a lesbian, the girl doesn't get wet at the thought of playing World of Warcraft for thirteen consecutive hours.

Whatever the reason, the whiner updates his site or Livejournal and tells the world about it. The thing is, nobody cares. To the person whining, their rant is everything to them. To the rest of the world, it means nothing. And thus e/n - or "everything/nothing" - infects the Internet like a rapidly-spreading malignant brain tumor. It's everywhere, and impossible to avoid.

It's even on the Something Awful forums. We get at least one "I am a failure" thread a day. People want to know if they should break up with their girlfriend after they caught their girlfriend blowing some frat boy, they want to know how to talk to women, they want to know if they made a mistake by giving a girl a dozen roses and an engagement ring on the first date. So forum goon 17 characters or decided to, in the spirit of a Choose Your Own Adventure book, make a thread where you could choose your own e/n story.

It's short, but it's sweet...

1. You awake from a fitful night’s sleep wondering if you’ve just had a terrible dream. You check the bed next to you and realize that what you dread has come true. Your girlfriend has left you.

You have 3 options.

a. Call her and try to get back together. (2)
b. Realize that she was a useless bitch and get on with your life. (3)
c. Make an e/n thread on your favorite website about it because you think that other people care. (4)

2. You call her cell phone, but she won’t pick up. You try her house, and there is no answer there.

You have 2 options.

a. Attempt suicide because you can’t live without your soul mate, she was so special, we had a connection man! A connection! You’ll never meet anyone like her again. (10)
b. Realize that there’s no chance of getting back together. (1)

3. You decide that you were spending too much time with her anyway. Your mate calls to find out why you didn’t come in to work, and you tell him the news. He decides that you are going to go out on the town to drown your sorrows.

You have 2 options.

a. Hit the town and try to pick up ladies. (5)
b. Stay at home and bitterly masturbate. (7)

4. You are at your favorite website. You have chosen an e/n tag, and the title “My girlfriend just left me”. You have to decide on some content.

You have 3 options.

a. A lengthy back story beginning from the moment of your conception until the point you finally meet your ex. (16)
b. Jump straight into the meet of the break up and cry about how sad you are. (17)
c. Start calling all women whores. (18)

5. You and your best friend are out on the town. Girls are coming at you from every direction. You are invited to go home with one particularly good looking, and particularly inebriated girl.

You have 2 options.

a. Go home with the girl. (6)
b. Decline the offer on the grounds that you are too much of a gentleman to take advantage of this woman, and besides, you just got out of a serious relationship. (7)

6. You are at the apartment of an attractive woman who desperately wants your love. You are in the bedroom.

You have 2 options.

a. Take off her clothes and make passionate love to her. (8)
b. Take off her clothes and have drunken monkey sex with her. (9)

7. You are at home. You are bitterly masturbating. Upon completion, you break into tears. Maybe that’s why she left you, you loser. GAME OVER

8. You take off her clothes, and begin to gently caress her thigh. Slowly, you slip off her panties with your tongue. You kiss her gently as you make love to her. In the morning, you wake up and make her breakfast. GO TO 11

9. You drunkenly tear off her clothes and throw her onto the bed. There is no foreplay involved. You go straight for the ass. She screams as you ram it home, and you quickly pull out. A dollop of butt butter slips out and drops onto your leg. You decide you have had enough, and quickly leave. Your girlfriend just broke up with you, but at least you have a funny story to tell. GAME OVER

10. You are trying to commit suicide.

You have 3 options.

a. An overdose on prescription medicine that you found in your parent’s bathroom. (12)
b. Swallowing a vial of some crazy potion this guy gave you. (13)
c. A gun to the head. (14)

11. Its a few days later, and the woman you went home with won’t return your calls. Your penis is inflamed and sore. You go to the doctors, and he runs some tests. Unfortunately, you have contracted syphilis. Next time don’t sleep with someone unclean. GAME OVER

12. You swallow an entire packet of some unlabeled pills you found. You quickly slip into unconsciousness. GO TO 15

13. You swallow the vial of liquid and quickly fall unconscious. As you lay sleeping, your ex-girlfriend comes around in a repentant mood. Mistaking your sleeping body for a corpse, she is overcome with grief, and decides to kill herself so she can be with you always. Unfortunately, she knows how to kill herself. You awake to find her dead on the floor. You decide to commit suicide.

You have 2 options.

a. An overdose on prescription medicine that you found in your parent’s bathroom. (12)
b. A gun to the head. (14)

14. You find your daddy’s gun in the basement and load it. You hastily write a suicide note apologizing to everyone you love. You put the gun to your mouth and pull the trigger. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMMITED SUICIDE! GAME OVER

15. Unfortunately the pills you swallowed were Gout pills. They didn’t kill you, but they managed to cause multiple organ failure. You spend many months in hospital, and for the rest of your life you have to shit in a bag taped to your hip. GAME OVER

16. You start by telling your history. You are sure to mention that you’ve never had much luck with ladies. You also mention that you were fat in high school, but have since lost wait, and are now attractive (at least you think so). You mention how she changed your life, and that she was exactly what you were looking for. You now have to go into the details of the breakup.

You have 3 options.

a. You cheated with her best friend. (19)
b. She was unhappy with certain… physical attributes. (20)
c. You dumped her because you are too cool for women anyway. (21)

17. You realize that things haven’t been right for a while, and hope that venting will get this off your chest. The break up was a mutual thing. After finishing, you do feel somewhat better, and decide that girls aren’t the only thing in life. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE BORING! GAME OVER

18. You go straight into calling women whores, and blaming her for all of your emotional baggage. Your thread is quickly gassed and you are banned for being shit. You are upset that even your internet friends don’t understand you. Only video games understand you. You decide to commit suicide. GO TO 10

19. You tell how one night, you were drinking with her and her best friend, when she decided that she wanted to call it a night. You weren’t ready to go home, so you decided to stay drinking with her friend. One thing lead to another, and the two of you ended up making sweet love all night long. You realize that you have been batting for the wrong team the whole time. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE GAY! GAME OVER

20. Sure, you’re not the biggest guy downstairs, but it’s how you use it, right? Anyway, you always make her laugh, and she seems to be really into it. You discover her at home one day up to her elbow. She tells you that she has been faking it for the entire time. She rips your heart out of your ass, and then sticks your tiny dick up there for good measure. You are distraught. GO TO 10

21. You dumped her because you’d rather pick up random bitches anyway. You are a player now, those hos be runnin’ to you dog. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DIE ALONE! GAME OVER

That's it for this week's Goldmine. We'll see you next week, when the forum goons take turns confessing to horrible, horrible things they've done.

– Nick "Mayor Wilkins" Dunn

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