Years of writing for a big website and having the same ICQ address will lead to you getting a lot of unwanted messages, even when you appear offline. The past couple of years have seen a dramatic increase in the number of weird Chinese IM-marketing I have been receiving. Sure, there is still plenty of porn spam, but these days more often than not it's someone claiming they represent a firm in China that can help my business grow.
For all I know KenK and his ilk are totally legitimate businessmen choosing an unusual method to get the word out about their services. Maybe poor KenK is sitting in a cramped cubicle somewhere in Beijing trying to offer his marketing services to my business. That's all beside the point, because when you start nagging me about your product in my inbox or on my IM client then you are free game for a prank.
This particular prank has been sitting on my computer for a few months, mostly because I wasn't sure how to present it to people. The prank pretty much fails because KenK never catches on to what's happening, but that somehow makes it funnier to me. It's as though he doesn't even care what I have to say.
KenK will break me with his zen concentration. KenK: Hello!
KenK: Do you wish more money?
Zack: Who doesn't wish more money, Kenk?
KenK: Sir, do you own a business or sell a product that could be success overseas?
Zack: It's funny you should ask, I am just getting ready to launch a new product.
KenK: This is excellent timing. Sir, we have access to untapped market: China. This market has millions of consumer ready to buy American goods. Company name removed will help you unlock potential and bring product to release overseas.
Zack: But Kenk, how can you help me? It sounds like I need your help.
KenK: We can help you market to China consumer using web advertise and other advertise methods. If you are interest we can discuss further.
Zack: You have no idea how interest I am. If you travel back in time and put a hundred dollar bill in a bank in 1780 and travel to our present time and then go to the bank and withdraw all of the money then you might have a slight idea of my interest.
Zack: It's huge, KenK. My interest is huge.
KenK: Very good. Sir, I am start up a profile for your business. We can walk through process.
Zack: Kenk, that sounds fantastic. You're a beautiful man.
KenK: Thank you so much, very good. Sir, first I ask your name?
Zack: My name is Kenneth K. Karruthers.
KenK: Very good. Sir, what is the name of your business?
Zack: Well, it's not technically a business as such, Kenk, it's more of a product I sell out of my house.
KenK: Sir, what is the name of your product?
Zack: It is called "Learn How to Rap Awesome" it is a DVD I am selling.
KenK: Very good, so you wish market DVD to China?
Zack: I believe every human has a love of awesome rapping, regardless of race, so yes.
KenK: Sir, what is your business office address?
Zack: I make them in my apartment with my keyboard so I don't have an office.
KenK: What address is apartment?
Zack: 473 Oak Circle, Round River, Odahoa 32556
KenK: Odahoa is state?
Zack: It's a District so you can put D.O. or District of Odahoa.
KenK: Very good. Sir, we have a variety of package that may interest you.
Zack: Do you like rap music, Kenk?
This Week on Something Awful...
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About This Column
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.
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