Something Awful vs. the Dog Haired Private Investigator

I will go ahead and proceed with my original intent. Your site and your interesting emails shall be filed with the proper authorities. Any further contact from you will be considered a form of harassment and those shall be forwarded as well.

T.J.

How can my emails be considered "harassment" when you were the person to first contact and email me?

Maybe I'll file your emails with the proper authorities, how'd you like that? Yeah, that's right, I'll file them real good. I'll file the hell out of those emails. The morning after, those emails won't be able to get through my POP3 server they'll be so sore! From filing with the proper authorities, you know.

Now of course I just need to find these so-called "proper authorities" to file your emails with. Do they have a "Department of Psychotic Idiots Who Put Sweaters on Dogs and Live in a Spooky Fantasy World" around here? I think they might, by the Baskin-Robbins.

- Rich

The Federal law states that if a person continues to make contact with an individual after that individual has told them not to, then that falls under harassment.

I told you not to contact me any further. Yet again you did. This will be more fuel for my fire. I'm sure the authorities will find your emails amusing. As for me, its about all I can do to keep a straight face.

Again, I say, do NOT contact me anymore. Any further emails will be forwarded along with my findings.

T.J.

Oh no, you are starting a fire? I'd like you to know that arson is a federal crime as well, and punishable nearly as severe as "sending an email to a crazy sweater dog lady." I'm sure the authorities will find your email very amusing as well. Did you know that pretending to be a private investigator is a federal crime?

http://landru.leg.state.or.us/ors/703.html (check out section 703.405. Ask your weiner dogs to read it to you, if you need help)

Here, I will do you a favor and promise to NOT tell the federal authorities, who by the way live NEXT DOOR to me and we play the Wii together with them like ALL THE TIME, about your illegal email activities. I probably saved you about 10 or 20 years of hard jail time, so you should be writing me love letters in your own blood and urine for this. In exchange for me not getting you thrown in prison, I would like the following:

• A couple hundred donkeys (for chili)
• At least 43 llamas (for chili as well)
• Three hundred thousand weiner dogs (to stir the chili)

If my demands are not met within 24 millihours (metric system), then I will have absolutely NO choice but to go over to the federal authority's house and tell Brad (his name is Brad) about all your illegal and unscrupulous Internet activity you're engaging in. Then the government will forward YOU to the STATE PEN. Oh ho ho how do you like them apples now, Crazy Sweater Dog Lady? Soon you'll be sleeping with the weiner dogs IN JAIL. THE JAILED WEINER DOGS. BECAUSE THEY TOO PRETENDED THEY WERE PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS ON THE INTERNET.

Tables turned. Checkmate. Internet score: ME - 4737. YOU - 0. You play with fire, you get burned. You mess with the bull, you get the horn. You touch my car, I clean your bread. You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out.

The Haymaster,

- Rich