Important Message from the Alumni Association

Greetings  Recent Graduate !

We want your money! Our records indicate that after  5  years and $65,000 , you have earned your  Associates  Degree from our prestigious university. Now that you’re finished, it’s time to give back!

The Alumni Association plays a vital role to the community and we need your help for our Bi-Weekly Fundraiser! If you’ve ever walked on campus and enjoyed an old stone wall or a brass sign beside a tree, more than likely the Alumni Association is responsible. Now you can help us help our projected quarterly financial growth of 3%. For once in your life, you can be a part of something bigger! With a donation, your money will directly finance:

• Printing mass fliers filled with thinly veiled donation attempts!
• Provide drinking water to work study students in the Alumni Call Center!
• Pay for Alumni Association Salaries!
• Organize future fundraising drives!

But don’t just do it for us! Donating to the Alumni Association is a great way to relive your favorite college experience. No, not parties or friends or the hooking up that we’re reading about, but the real and true experience: Paying exorbitant amounts of money for little/no benefit! Don’t ask questions. Just trust us. It’s good for you. You’ll be thankful in the future.

We need your generosity! Remember what might be considered big to you is actually quite small to an organization of our size, so dig deep! We’ll know if you’re holding out. Based on your federal debt and FAFSA records, your ideal donation is $ -75 (If negative, idea donation is $50.)

If you are one of the recent graduates that are currently unemployed, please understand that we have your up-to-date contact information and we can/will contact you before your loan grace period ends.

If you think your silence will deter our fundraising ambition, please understand that we have your up-to-date contact information and that there is no escape. We will hunt you and we will find you. Not even sweet death can salvage your freedom. If you even think about dying, student services will dig up your coffin with a rented backhoe and drop a stack of pamphlets on your rotting corpse just to tell you that the class of ’85 is meeting at the zoo next month!

Do you think we are kidding?

Of course not. You have two weeks to become a Friend of the Alumni before we spam your inbox, stuff your mailbox, and have some stoned work study goons call you every fifteen minutes pestering you about homecoming.

This is your warning. Become a Friend today!
Sincerely,
The Alumni Association

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)