This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 18, 1980
SUBJECT: Quit Asking Questions

I've gotten word that a number of you are asking questions about things that don't concern you, namely why a rival soup company has set up shop in our building and is using half the soupyards.

Let me tell you how the soup business works. You keep your mouth shut. This is not an industry for the faint of heart. You don't get ahead by talking out of turn. So quit your goddamn gossiping and get back to work. How I run my business is my business. Your business is shutting up and making me money.

But if you do run into one of these lowlife thugs walking around like they own the place, feel free to give 'em the ol' Boruff Hello and spit in their face.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 19, 1980
SUBJECT: Change to the Bathroom Policy

We absolutely cannot afford to maintain the current staff unless you guys learn to bridle your excessive flushing and bathroom usage. I've tried policing the toilets as best I can, but there is a criminal element amongst you that does not respect authority.

I've weighed my options carefully. Since the plumbers told me it would be too expensive to move all the toilets into my office where I can carefully monitor flushing habits, the next best option is to simply remove all the doors to the restrooms.

I had Manuel Rodriguez do just that this morning. Don't bother protesting.The doors have already been melted down into ore and sold. You guys asked for more transparency in how I run this business, and now you're getting it. With any luck, this will cut down on excessive flushing and whiny babies using the restrooms to cry and/or commit suicide all the time.

I hope you're all very happy with what you've done.

TO: Duke Palmer, Ron Scotch, Leland Brownwig, Jim Proudcorn
DATE: February 19, 1980
SUBJECT: Something That Slipped My Mind

I just realized a conversation I had with my doctor six years ago. He told me I had gonorrhea and needed to take some medicine. I'm a busy man, so the whole episode slipped my mind until now. You boys ought to have your wives checked out for obvious reasons. Now nobody can say I've never looked out for you jerks.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 20, 1980
SUBJECT: Rumors About This Year's Soup & Broth Expo

Apparently I'm paying you all to gossip about the state of the company. Well, if you cannot possibly continue living without knowing the truth, here it is: I lost half our offices in a high-stakes game of poker at one of the Soup & Broth afterparties. I don't know why people are asking about that and not how many strippers I bedded during the expo (6), which is a far more juicy piece of gossip.

Half the building and soupyards are now owned by Bob Hutch and Man's Reach Soup Co. Since half the soup vats were full of raw sewage, it wasn't much of a loss. I insisted on keeping those vats. The last thing I want is Bob Hutch having access to our bodily wastes. That's also why I had Tall Charlie jackhammer half the parking lot last week. I didn't pay to have that lot resurfaced just so Bob Hutch and his lily-livered soupninnies can park there. They want to park in my lot, it's going to cost them their tires.

For the record, I also won some at poker. So you're welcome to congratulate me, just not to my face since I don't want to look at any of you. I won us a few trucks from that creepy weirdo Roy Mallard over at Druid's Delight. If we run out of space, we can set up some offices in the backs of those.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 20, 1980
SUBJECT: Don't Even Think About It

I just got wind from Tall Charlie that Bob Hutch had new restrooms installed in his half the building and is offering to let any Bear Cave employee use them whenever they want. If I find out any of you are availing yourself of his offer, then you're fired. I've got eyes and ears all throughout this building reporting your every move.

I also have charts and graphs documenting your bathroom usage in vivid detail. I have the numbers for the past two years, and I will know if they stop adding up. Besides, you work for me, and that means I own you and any wastes you produce. Bob Hutch gets none of that.

This also goes for any of the free snacks and beverages he's offering. I don't want you urinating any more than you already do because you drank too much of Bob Hutch's coffee. The only thing you should be doing with Bob Hutch's coffee is spitting in it.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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