Memos from Bear Cave: the Family Business

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: August 14, 1981
Subject: I Told You Idiots

Bear Cave Soup Company is dead. You all saw to that with your insubordinate behavior and tolerance of the rockabilly lifestyle. The company I built is a pile of smoldering rubble, all thanks to you.

My only joy is that the explosion interrupted the repulsive Bear Cave Jingle my no-good rockabilly father and sons created. I regret I was not able to strangle each of them personally before the chaos erupted.

The fire department said some kind of spark in the vents triggered a massive methane explosion. On an unrelated note, it was discovered that a biker gang was cooking methamphetamine in the other half of the building. I am sickened that any of you would allow that to happen here.

The feds are seizing all of our surviving stock and equipment as evidence, so we're finished.

We'd all be dead right now if not for one man and his stupid powwow, and that man is my father. In spite of everything, he took the fall for all of us. He's going to prison for the rest of his life. You are all hereby ordered to remember him not as the unlikeable failure, the unstable crackpot or the gross, disrespectful bully who forced his dirty hands and ugly views onto you, but as a big strong Republican businessman who looks exactly like me. That is how I will remember him as I head off into the sunset to start the next successful chapter of my life.

Before any of you start worrying about me, I'll be fine. I still have my pile of money and my memo machine. Remarkably, my dog Bouillon came out of the explosion only slightly crispier than before.

It goes without saying your Promissory Soup Bonds are now worthless.

I can't tell you how much you've all disappointed me, but I can tell you that you're fired.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)