What's In The $7,000 Laptop?

Munk Bugballe (the company, not the chaotic neutral Dungeons & Dragons character) will soon be releasing a collection of "Classic Bespoke" laptops starting at $7,000. That seems like a lot of money to shell out for a stock low-end MacBook Pro with mahogany, gold, and diamonds haphazardly glued to its case, but these luxury laptops actually include quite a few extras.

Whether these features justify the asking price is ultimately up to you, the insane consumer.

The Macbook Pro's keyboard comes with 78 keys, which is fine for most people in much the same way that a burlap sack can be considered adequate clothing. For those of us with higher standards, the Classic Bespoke line adds a 79th key - an additional "A".

Modified version of the standard calculator app automatically adds several extra 0s to every number.

Under the hood is a state of the art, highly experimental anti-gravity generator. This remarkable piece of technology is capable of completely negating the weight of the anti-gravity generator, leaving the laptop just as heavy as it would have been without it!

Comes pre-installed with not just one, but two copies of OSX.

Each laptop in the line features a Turbo button. Remember pressing that red button on your 486 to boost your processor to 33 MHz? That's exactly what this does. Just press the ivory button on the side of the laptop, and you'll be running at 33 MHz.

Over 1,000 video games on one disc! Includes 312 variations of Mahjong, exciting action games like Alien Laser 1 through Alien Laser 200, and over a dozen reskinned (but otherwise identical) versions of Breakout.

A 1-inch Monster Cable power cord. For a longer cord, add $1,000 per inch.

Optional horse-mounting bracket. Simply snap your laptop into the accessory, drill the included screws into your racehorse's shoulder blades, and you're ready to go!

Modified windshield wiper. This work of precision engineering has a titanium-plated chassis with a velvet wiper blade. Truly the ultimate screen cleaner.

Apple products imbue owners with a smug factor of 3-4 LeBron Jameses. Buying a Classic Bespoke will multiply that by a factor of Adrian Brody to the third power.

A non-functioning power button. Why turn it off? You can afford to pay the power bill.

Built-in ad blocking software. No more annoying banners for regular Apple retailers, sites that include the phrase "price to performance ratio", or charities.

In place of a SuperDrive, comes with a retractable tray to safely store your excess rings and truffles while you compute.

Unlimited access to a utopian worldwide network of information and ideas thanks to the integrated wi-fi.

Doubles as a coffin for extremely small, flat, rectangular customers.

Each laptop is thoroughly tested and inspected to stand up to the harshest conditions. Guaranteed to withstand minor limousine jostles, champagne spills, and the crushing weight of a pile of burning hundred dollar Monopoly bills.

Web browser's home page set to Ask Jeeves.

Optional clear carrying case enables you to bring your Classic Bespoke everywhere you go, without missing a single chance to flaunt your classiness!

If you thought the anti-gravity generator was cutting edge, wait until you get your hands on the Classic Bespoke's time machines! That's right, machines, as in two of them! A program called "Time Machine" comes installed right in OSX. For the other time machine, look at the top right corner of your screen. BOOM! It's the time.

Optional botox injections to keep the laptop stuck in the closed position, but still as beautiful as the day you bought it.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)