Never Played a Video Game? Here's Everything You Need to Know

How to Level Up Your Elf

How to Be Betrayed

• I trust you implicitly, disembodied voice telling me what to do
• oh no

How to Shoot That Guy

• Lock and load
• Rock and roll
• Actual, this is Tier One Operative Alpha, we are Oscar Mike
• Come get some
• Left trigger to zoom, right trigger to shoot
• Listen to the sweet guitar riff

How to Kiss the Computer Person

• Agree with them about everything
• Try to gift them items they would like, such as Boar Tusk Pie or Severed Space Orc Head
• When a dialog option with a heart icon or something like [Charisma] or [Charm] pops up, mash that fucken button as fast as your stupid finger can go
• If the computer person isn't romanceable (??? what is this the stone age) just move your character models close until their faces overlap

How to Find Objective

• Follow indicator on top of screen
• Follow indicator on minimap
• Follow indicator floating in the world
• Approach doors until you find one that you can interact with, unlike the other non-doors shaped like doors
• Just as in real life, you will know you're going in the right direction when your path is brimming with scores of enemies who want to murder you

How to Do Critical Hits

• Do a bunch of normal hits and eventually one of them will become a critical
• Be sure to wear pants that grant you an additional chance to do critical hits
• Turn invisible then hit them from behind
• Try to do double damage
• Or quad damage, why not

Void Bastards
Oozes style nearly as much as my characters ooze blood (because I am bad at this game). 8/10

Outer Wilds
I keep getting this confused with Outer Worlds because they have similar names and both getting a score of: 9/10

Rage 2
Without the Five Finger Fillet or (more importantly) Tombstone minigames from the first Rage, this project was doomed from the start. 6/10

Cadence of Hyrule
Give this game a dance... it simply can't be beat! 9/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)