Best Buy's Revised Trade-In Dehumanization Process

Want to take part in our much-publicized trade in program to swap an old tablet or video game for in-store credit? Great! We just need your license, home phone number, email address, work number, and your fingerprints. We might even take a mugshot of you.

No joke, that's all 100% true. Why?

Since a fraction of the items that people trade in might be stolen, we treat every customer like a criminal and collect their data. Then we get to store that data and sell it to our corporate partners. It's a win-win for everyone.

Now we're revising the process to make things even better! For us! If you're planning to trade something in for credit at your local Best Buy, be prepared to submit yourself to handing over the following:

• Three tablespoons of spinal fluid in your favorite coffee mug. Preferably a mug with sentimental value.
• The name and phone number of someone you really like. Not just as a friend. Someone you secretly "like" like.
• Do you remember the name of your childhood pet? The very first one you ever had? Good. We're going to need you to dig that critter up and bring its corpse into the store. Drop it right on the counter and choke back the tears, you son of a bitch.
• Allow us to hook you up to a lie detector test and ask about your internet browsing habits.
• Guess which hand our clerk is using to hold the marble.
• Not that we're saying you are a murderer, but if you absolutely had to kill someone we need you to explain who you would kill and which weapon you would use.
• A signed photograph of your genitals.
• Climb the rope. All the way to the top. What kind of weakling are you?
• The contact information of your oldest living relative or the highest ranking boss at your workplace who knows you exist. We simply need this information so we can subject them to a grueling series of questions about your morals and why we should allow you to trade that copy of Captain Toad for $20 in Best Buy fun bucks.
• Face the Best Buy troll and answer his riddles three.
• Take a breathalyzer. If you haven't been drinking there's nothing to worry about. Come on. You made it this far. What are you hiding? Just do it. Do it. By the way, when you suck in the last lung full of air before blowing out, our clerk will punch you in the stomach.
• Get on the Best Buy store intercom and tell your fellow shoppers which movies made you cry.
• Prepare a series of ten flash cards, each one summarizing five physical characteristics of a different ethnicity which you do not belong to. Be ready to read these out loud in front of a group of people who do belong to those races.
• Lay on your back, exposing your soft underbelly to us in a sign of total submission.
• Answer the following routine medical questions: In great detail, what was the consistency of your last irregular bowel movement? What's the weirdest patch of dry skin on your body? If you could change one thing about your nipples, what would it be? Great. Write your answers in enormous letters on signboard. The helpful Best Buy clerk will ask you to stand on the opposite side of the crowded store, then he or she will shout each question at you. At this time, hold your answer up high over your head.
• Put your hand in the Fear Jar. Do not remove it, no matter what happens, or your trade in will be forfeit.

– Best Buy (@DennisFarrell)