The Wait is Over! BOSTON FUN is Here!

Your world is about to be rocked.The most amazing and revolutionary product since "Abraham Lincoln's Hat Selector" and the "Rotating Microwavable Fuzzy Dice" is finally ready for release. That's right folks, out of circulation since 1974, Arlogeist GmbH has acquired the rights to Boston Fun from Flotsoco Co. We've worked out the kinks in the folding mechanism that caused the 1983 incident in Pittsburgh and we guarantee that no one will be blinded by the new Boston Fun.

What is Boston Fun, you ask? Boston Fun is a powerful home appliance that can be attached to any standard outlet and a model 450d hydraulic fluid reservoir with articulated cleaning nozzles. Boston Fun reaches temperatures in excess of 150 degrees Fahrenheit during peak operation and should not be stored on carpeted floor. Boston Fun is great for the whole family and kids especially will love its spindle action. Even pets will be entertained for hours by the amazing Boston Fun!

You don't have to take our word for it!

"[Boston Fun] provided a solution to the Jewish question."
Martha Johnson, Home Maker
Boise, ID

"My wife used to be dead. But then Boston Fan [sic] came in and made everything much better!"
Ted Marvonli, Electrician
Kansas City, KS

"Our city is no longer plagued by blimp attacks, all thanks to Boston Fun!"
James Conroy, Mayor
San Antonio, TX

"There will be plenty more blimp attacks on San Antonio, all thanks to Boston Fun!"
Rex "Flyin' Tiger" Fredrickson, 273rd Freedom Fighting Blimp Bomber Division
Secret Blimp Pen, TX

"Those blimp attacks were crippling production here at the tannery, but with the help of Boston Fun we were able to relocate to a facility inside a mountain."
Cornelius Buggy, Tannery Manager
San Antonio, Texas.

"Thanks to Boston Fun, we can now fit our goddamn blimps inside the mountain, you stupid old fuck!"
Rex "Flyin' Tiger" Fredrickson, 273rd Freedom Fighting Blimp Bomber Division
Secret Blimp Pen, TX

"This incident was not the fault of Arlogeist, nor the subcontractors providing components for Boston Fun. It was a user error made by my husband. God bless you Boston Fun!"
From the Signed Affidavit of Elaine McDonnel

Boston Fun has been approved for use by the Food and Drug Administration. Boston Fun has been endorsed by celebrities and organizations such as Tom Selleck, John Romero, Royal Crown Cola and the National Caterer's Union 312. Boston Fun, it's about time! Why wait? You're just avoiding having joy in your life, pure and guilt-free joy, in the form of the fabulous Boston Fun.Results may vary.Boston Fun is not to be used by children under the age of 15. Boston Fun is great for the whole family to enjoy on a rainy day. Exhaust fumes can cause buildups of airborne Organophosphates in poorly ventilated areas. Boston Fun will set things straight. Arlogeist GmbH does not take responsibility for any damage to property, possessions or loved ones in the event of catastrophic operator mishandling of Boston Fun's cooling cylinders.

Feelings of loneliness and despair will disappear with the arrival of a shiny new Boston Fun in your household. Boston Fun cannot resurrect the dead, but it can make you forget that a loved one has passed on to the eternal anguish and torment of hell. Boston Fun may or may not preserve the bodies of the dead depending on their proximity to Boston Fun's enamel storage unit at the time of detonation.

Boston Fun has its limits, do not test Boston Fun's limits. Boston Fun should not be taken internally regardless of what you think it tells you. If you own a forklift and crane, Boston Fun is easily portable. Boston Fun cannot talk but it is an excellent listener.

Maintenance is an important part of enjoying Boston Fun and thanks to our addition of a grinder hatch and scorching aperture to Boston Fun's protein hopper, maintenance can be easy AND exciting. Boston Fun can dispose of spare hydrogen rods and unwanted kittens. Boston Fun cannot dispose of unwanted ambulatory spouses. Attempts to insert ambulatory humans into the protein hopper may result in a feed jam causing Boston Fun to reset.

Legend tells of a famous Baron who rose to power thanks directly to the amazing benefits of Boston Fun! But don't take our word for it; just ask Baron Bill Gates, president of AT&T! Boston Fun saved the President's marriage!

Please ignore any screaming sounds emitted by Boston Fun, this is standard pressure venting and should not concern you, it also does not relate to the disappearance of your children. Your children can enjoy lots of good times with Boston Fun. Do not place Boston Fun in a sand box or on similar loose-packed earth. Boston Fun may inflict chemical burns on you and your loved ones, this is caused by not giving it enough privacy. Much like you, Boston Fun needs room to grow and mature.

Arlogeist recommends you turn off Boston Fun during childbirth. Boston Fun may be easily convinced to give information about the layout of your house to poorly disguised criminals. Boston Fun will not answer your phone for you. Boston Fun may entertain thoughts of jealousy and may act upon these thoughts.

You may NEVER EVER successfully "return" Boston Fun, as it memorizes where you live and your childrens' sleeping patterns. Joanne Thompson accidentally left her Boston Fun in the family's garage when they moved from New York to California. Boston Fun chewed through the wall and carjacked a minibus for the developmentally disabled and returned itself to Joanne Thompson.

Boston Fun was very supportive of her in the following months, when her children mysteriously developed a case of cancer. Boston Fun was there for her when the complications from the cancer caused her children to be bludgeoned to death in the bathtub. Act now and receive a free Boston Fun cleaning kit. For an additional twenty dollars we will include a device that will distract Boston Fun with colored lighting effects in case of an emergency. Boston Fun does not cry. Boston Fun may suddenly eject 4 gallons of liquid Boron, this is normal and not cause for alarm.

If you only spend money on one thing this year, make it Boston Fun! Boston Fun, it's about time!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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