If Global Warming is Real, Why Do Cold Things Exist?

If global warming is real, why does my pizza gradually cool down to room temperature?

If global warming is real, why does everyone who benefits from its denial deny that it's real?

If global warming is real, how do you explain ice hockey? Offside? What the heck is that?

If global warming is real, why doesn't the Burlington Coat Factory change its name? Oh. Well, if global warming is real, why didn't the Burlington Coat Factory change its name to the Burlington Suntan Lotion Factory?

If global warming is real, why do I get a headache when I eat an entire bowl of ice cream in three enormous bites?

If global warming is real, wouldn't the hole in the ozone layer just let in more outer space, which is very cold?

If global warming is real, why do we rarely hear from scientists but constantly hear from people who somehow make a living farting out low-effort bad faith arguments based on third grader logic?

If "global" warming is real, doesn't that mean they started with the flawed premise that the Earth is a globe when we all know it's flat?

If global warming is real, why does the Hoth sequence of Empire Strikes Back look exactly the same as it did when the movie first came out?

If global warming is real, why am I, the person asking this question in this feature, merely a construct that only exists to ask this question before disappearing forever?

If global warming is real, why didn't we start with continental warming and enjoy the journey instead of skipping right to the end?

If global warming is real, why doesn't every faucet just have two Hot knobs?

If global warming is real, why can't I tell the difference between an individual data point and a larger trend comprised of many data points?

If global warming is real, can we use our burgeoning army of power-wasting currency mining blockchain idiot computers to solve it?

If global warming is real, explain it to me, the person who believes they are always correct by default and that all dissenting information is a personal insult. Note: Even if you explain the topic without being flustered by my dubious expressions, I reserve the right to respond with a meaningless dismissive rebuttal like "I don't know" or "Yeah, but still."

If global warming is real, does that mean my Global Warming Isn't Real rookie card is a valuable misprint?

If global warming is real, wouldn't we have done something about it by now?

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)