New Affordable Healthcare Plans

Trickle Down Antibiotics

“Bringing Reagan’s Glory to Your Body”

The wealthiest portion of our great country demands the best healthcare, and, unlike you, they are willing to pay for it. Is that so bad? As the rich receive the ultimate level of care far out of your reach, they also rack up a lot of waste: ineffective pills, unused procedures, slightly soiled hospital garments, etc. This plan allows you to receive the redundant healthcare at a modest discount. All you need to do is hope the medicine is strong enough to heal you, but not effective enough to heal the wealthy person who had it first. In the end everyone wins.

WebMD Subscription and 1,200 Oxycontin pills

“DIY Doctor Plan”

No one can take care of you better than yourself. It’s time to disrupt the medical system by becoming your own doctor. Every month, you’ll get a shipment of 100 opiates that you can self-administer as you see fit. No training? No problem. With just a little bit of practice, you’ll be just like the real thing: Aches? Pills. Pains? Pills. Depression? Pills. Addiction? Pills. Yes, it’s that easy! Don't worry about side effects or ethics-- no one else is. To help you get started, you’ll have full access to WebMD and all its advanced features. At the click of a button, you can now make hasty conclusions about your sore throat (it’s cancer.) 

Internal Coping System

“Millennial Meltdown”

One of the most used plans, the Millennial Meltdown (MM) requires you to handle your health the way you handle every other negative, inevitable crisis that has been dumped onto your life. With this plan, there will be no difference between your deteriorating body and your burnt-out career aspirations, your realization that you will never retire, the fact that your parents had a house and kids by the time they were your age, the irreparable damage to the environment, and your regret about preordering Mass Effect: Andromeda. Finally, you'll be able to block numerous crippling anxieties at once.

Even better is how easy it is for you. If ill, follow these simple steps:

• Curl up into a ball on your ratty old futon that you’ve embarrassingly had since college.
  
• Put a blanket over ball body.
  
• Place second blanket over ball body.
  
• Force yourself to stay asleep until your emotions have been dampened into little ignored blips.
  
• If health does not improve, keep sleeping.

That's it!

Die

“Just Die”

You Die.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)