Catalog of Common Honking Situations and Outcomes

Frustrated Medium Double Honk

Situation: An idiotic Uber driver has blocked your street, forcing traffic to a complete stop while they wait to pick someone up. You try to go around, but realize there are three more Uber drivers in front. When you put it in reverse, you see five more behind. You feel something in your brain snap.

Sounds like: herrrrrrrnk-herrrrrnk

Outcome: The Uber driver is so oblivious to the world that he assumes the honk is from his future passenger. He rolls down his window and asks if you're Megan. Rather than answer, you start weaving through the parked cars. When you finally manage to make it through, you hear him call you an asshole.

Accidental Mini Honk

Situation: Stuck at a traffic light, you try removing a sweater. Things are going okay, but your head gets caught inside and you somehow elbow the wheel just hard enough to let out the saddest honk ever.

Sounds like: me-erp

Outcome: The car in front of you instinctively waves sorry and starts rolling forward. When the driver realizes the light is still red, she flicks you off. You finally get the sweater off, but not before she calls you an asshole.

Panicked Triple Honk into Extended Max Horn

Situation: While parallel parking on a one-way street, you see a mid-2000s Mustang fly down in the wrong direction. You quickly work your way out of your parking spot and give chase. When he stops at the end of the block, you pull beside him and start honking.

Sounds like: her-her-her herrrrnk

Outcome: You try to signal his mistake, but the driver starts honking back instead. "How do you like it?" he yells. "Not so fun now, huh, you little bitch?" Before you can do anything, he calls you an asshole and peels out towards oncoming traffic.

Light Triple Tap Micro Horn

Situation: The 1992 Cadillac in front of you was going ten miles under the limit, but has since dropped down to an idle. Inside you can see an elderly man barely able to stay awake let alone on the road. His turn signal is on, but you aren't sure if he knows this.

Sounds like: mep mep mep

Outcome: The driver's white hair shakes for a moment and then slumps down further. The car lurches to a stop while he thinks about how much better the world once was. The people were nicer, the cars were bigger, the suburbs were whiter. To him, everything modern is terrible and you're just living proof. When you pass, he manages to lift his head high enough to call you an asshole.

Honk

Situation: The car in front of you has an old "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker.

Sounds like: honk

Outcome: The driver thinks that you're horny. Or an asshole. Possibly both.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)