A Guide to Gracefully Losing an Internet Argument

5. When finally leaving the argument, make sure to inform them you will be partaking in some sort of basic social function.

The goal here is to not just disappear from the internet for awhile, but make them envious that they aren't disappearing like you are. Try something like: "Listen, if you want to sit around being wrong about the season finale of Avatar: The Last Airbender on a fine Saturday night, you can, but I am going to a bar with people I recently met at work" or "Hey, if you think that's the best strategy for the last level of Battletoads, be my guest, but maybe you can tell me the best strategy for driving to a woman's house to attend a party she is throwing for 50 of her closest friends because that's what I'm doing right after I post this sentence."

What this does quite effectively is establish yourself as someone capable of maintaining real life social contact on some sort of level, which makes you way cooler than all these other freaks who have been arguing anime with you for most of the afternoon. Your case is made even stronger if you can somehow work in some mention of sexual contact or the presence of alcohol, and is significantly weakened if the real life activity is possibly nerdier than arguing with people online.

Examples:

Bad: I am going to an Elfpunk LARPing group that I found on Craigslist. Ha ha. I bet you losers wish you had a big velvet cape like the one I am wearing right now (I am wearing a giant green cape while I'm typing this. Picture that, losers).

Good: I'll be up in the club getting wasted on Bacardi Breezers with some hot bitches and they gonna be all up on me, brb.

Important tip!
A bitch is also a female dog, so you might want to clarify the statement by adding something like: "I'm also gonna pour some champagne all over them bitches' tits, they ain't no female dogs if you know what I mean."

Another important tip!
The word ho does not present the same problem despite its misleading pronunciation. It is actually spelled differently than the gardening tool.

6. Post a really hot picture of yourself flexing your pecs while shirtless.

Note: This only works if you actually are hot/have pecs. I found that out the hard way.

If you have any questions about my methods, please email me at maxnmona@somethingawful.com. For now, I'm going to be at a bar watching two chicks have a make-out contest in a giant vat of beer and the prize is sleeping with me and they're both gonna win.

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink