 |  |  |
| After running a search on her own name for the fifth time today, a bored woman Googles "google" -google and disappears in the resulting resonance cascade. She never dies or ages, but replays her last .05 seconds on Earth (the exact time it took for Google to return her results) for all of eternity in the cosmic equivalent of a perpetual motion record player with a scratched album laying upon the turntable. | Google's resident artist uploads the day's colorful Google logo to commemorate the passing of Princess Diana. The O's in the word "Google" double as her breasts, which are disturbingly full and perky. Moments later, Todd Goldman saves the image, cuts the "G" and "gle" from the sides and recolors what's left. It becomes a new t-shirt design with the caption "Party Princess", available at fine malls and art galleries everywhere. | |
| YouTube | A man uploads a video of himself crossing his eyes at his webcam and sits back, preparing to bask in the glow of internet superstardom. | He becomes the most famous and respected person in the world. |
| Penny Arcade | Today's comic about ping pong is uploaded, accompanied by yet another account of a real-life ping pong match in Tycho's update. Gabe follows this up with photographs of the new golden ping pong paddle he bought and a drawing of a Troll from World of Warcraft playing ping pong. The comic's total earnings pass the $5 million mark. | Clarence Schillinger, writer and artist of the long-running but wildly unsuccessful webcomic "Two Funny And Sarcastic Guys Who Play Ping Pong", commits suicide. |
| Digg | A news story is posted about a child molestor who photographed his victims and posted them on his personal website. | Sixteen comments are made in reply, all of which are variations on "Child mostetation isn't that big a deal, there are people dying in Africa" and "Those pictures are horrible, he should have used a $7,000 Canon EOS-1DS like the one I have", only with way worse grammar and punctuation. |
| Amazon | A new "Buy together!" offer is added to the site: Purchase the audiobook version of Maddox's The Alphabet Of Manliness along with a pair of Quiet Disposable Earplugs and save $5! | Due to an remarkably complicated typo, the product "Amazon.com - All of it, the whole company: Only 1 in stock" is put on the website with a listed price of three dollars. Members of the coupon site Fatwallet.com wait patiently, holding out hope for a promo code to knock 10% off the price. |
| Something Awful | After posting my front page update, I realize that the complete lyrics for "Last Resort" by Papa Roach have somehow slipped into another update. For the sixth week in a row, I remove it before too many people manage to catch the mistake. | Having spent the past three months hyping an upcoming video game and interacting with its developers on the forums, a goon downloads the ISO from a newsgroup, then plays it for all of two minutes before deciding the game is pure shit because he a) doesn't like cel chading or b) was really hoping it would feature ironsights instead of a crosshair targeting system. The next three months of his posting career will be devoted to making fun of this game at every opportunity. |
| MySpace | A band creates an account and spams thousands of peoples' Comments boards with exciting news about the upcoming cd they recorded with Jerry's laptop microphone. | Said band breaks up when they can't agree on which user icon best fits the image they want to project: A photo of a woman in a bikini with one of their friends' heads poorly photoshopped on top or an animated gif of a stick figure hitting himself in the crotch with a pair of nunchucks. |
| Fark | Dozens of people spend their free time scouring the internet for stories about other people doing questionable things, then submit these stories with the caption "Still no cure for cancer", blissfully unaware of the irony. | Drew Curtis turns his monitor off and rises, kicking his roller chair backward with a heavily armored foot. A twisted smile swims within the dark recesses of his greathelm as he effortlessly strides through the bedroom wall and onto the front lawn. A plastic pink flamingo lays twisted and trampled in his wake, his first victim. The past ten years have lead to this. This is the night. |
| DeluxePass (not work safe) | A young man finally completes his mission of downloading every single adult video from the network, which comes to 15 terabytes of softcore, hardcore, lesbian, gay, cartoon, and bondage action. Only at this moment does he realize that he might have a problem. | He installs DivX, and now the videos play just fine. Problem solved. |
| The Internet Movie Database | Angstrom Levy, who has long considered Dog Day Afternoon his favorite movie of all time, is amazed to learn that the film is rated 8.1 stars while Forrest Gump has a rating of 8.3 stars. He has no choice but to accept Forrest Gump as his new favorite movie. | IMDB's database editor receives his monthly bribe to keep Doom House listed. |
| TorrentSpy | In the comments section for a torrent of Windows Vista Ultimate Edtion (BadBoyz), torrentlvr posts: "how do i open isos in winamp someone fuckin tell me now its a emergency also i need winamp" | A torrent containing a legal, free to distribute program is mistakenly posted. The uploader's account is banned. It will take months for the community to recover. |
| Wizards Of The Coast | When the site comes under DOS attack, the administrator rolls a natural d20 and is bewildered when it has no effect. | Coming to his senses, the admin repels the attack by tapping one Forest land card and casting Wall Of Blossoms. |
| Old Man Murray | I load the site, futilely hoping for a new update. | (repeat) |
| World Of Warcraft | One subscriber totally sticks it to Blizzard by posting the following in the forums: "i played wow since launch three years ago and now im bored. you stink and i would cancel my subscription if i hadn't bought seven years worth of time cards at walmart." | Blizzard officially closes down World Of Warcraft and refunds all 8.5 million subscriptions, citing "extremely low morale and deep shame" as the cause. |
| eBay | New item up for auction: Every moment of your life that has been wasted by people showing you "funny" auctions from eBay. | April Maybury from Denver, Colorado wins the auction by using the "Buy it now" option. In three days she will realize that she didn't read the description thoroughly, and that the auction was only for the box the item came in. |
| Official Web Site Of Iowa Corn | Opportunities are created for long-term Iowa corn grower profitability. | Those hotshots from Nebraska Corn steal the profitability plans from Iowa Corn's website, then go cruising in their Ferraris. |
| How Stuff Works | A scientist looks up "cure for cancer" and finds what he has been searching for over the past thirteen years. An article detailing a remarkably simple way of wiping out the disease with a mixture of readily available soft drinks has been hidden away on the site since 1998. He pumps his fist excitedly and prepares his printer. | The scientist lays dead in his apartment. On his computer screen is an article entitled "How Printer Cartridges Work" which is, in fact, displaying the contents of "How Autoerotic Asphyxiation Works" due to a database error. |
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This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Previous Articles
- The Great American Reach Around - New England & Canada
- Adventures in Temping Vol. 1
- Mere Moments Before the End
- Todd "Goliath" Goldman's Amazing Art Odyssey
- Reflections On A Failing Game Console