I GOT KICKED OFF BRITISH BAKER SHOW FOR MAKING A DICK CAKE

What's up, idiots?

Not good for me. Messed up my hand pretty bad DJing at Bushwhackers in Dumfries, VA and then punching through the window of Misty's Corolla to try to get her baby out of the back seat before the cops showed up because some bizzy body called the cops for baby locked in a car when it was totally not too hot and Ayedun was just sleeping anyway. So my hand was all messed up when I finally got my chance to go on british baking show celebrity edition and meet marty bary and paul hollywood and I was like what the fuck is up paul hollywood my name is ricky hollywood bitch we must be related was your mom like a 6 foot model with huge titties and he was like "um no" and I was like then who was I bangin' last night????

Britain sucked dick though because they are all so uptight about calling everybody a wog. I don't even know what that means sounds like some lord of the hobbits shit to me but I do like my cusses so I was calling everybody a wog and then I made my first signature bake was a huge dick cake and paul saw me making it and he was like I don't know using coconut milk for jizz shooting out of the end is going to make your sponge very close textured unless you bake it just perfectly and I was like motherfucker you better watch what you say before I slap you with my good hand. But then there was a cool bird outside the tent and I forgot to put it in the oven so the joke was on me.

Whatever, I got voted off first episode, fuck those people anyway talking weird ass english like franjypan and wog what the fuck?? I moved back to Virginia to try to collect Social Security for hand injuries and I went to get Misty to corborborate but she got fired for getting motion sickness spinning too much on the pole and throwing up on a VIP customer and also it turns out Bushwhackers filed a criminal complaint against me for stealing toilet paper and has pictures of me playing foosball with my messed up hand so I couldn't sue them for damages. I tried to set fire to them but it was while they were open and I was too high to get my lighter to work and I just ended up spilling gasoline all over my shirt.

So then I was like well who do I know who could hook me up with a job and it was like well not Donald Trump he threw me out of the white house for taking ivanka upskirt pictures with my shoe camera and trying to sell horse tracks to my man barron. I know malondia likes me still after I gave her those footrubs (she's a sweet angel don't say anything bad about her) but donald doesn't listen to anything she says unless she goes on fox and friends and says it. So that left me with the other dude I know Scott Pruitt. I worked for him for a while as the dude who brought him the vases he peed into from museums but then I spilled one of his piss vases on the carpet shaped like his face and got suspended and instead of going back after that I just took a bunch of office supplies and sold them on ebay in a PS4 box I found in a garbage can as a real PS4.

I went to the Environment Pollution Agency and knocked on the door and this lady was like "Yes?" and was like "Hello I am here to see Scott Pruitt" and she was like "Oh he is packing up his office right now because that bitch quit." I was like cha-ching here we go. It's on now. So I was like "aCtually, madam, I am the vice environment boss so I will be taking over." She didn't believe me at first but I showed her how to get crazy fucked up by pouring rubber cement into a paper bag and she was like "Whatever doctor fun you can go in there now."

So I set up my new office at the EPA and first things first I called everyone I had met on british baking show from the sound proof booth and told them that I am going to kill them in their sleep. Not like a real threat, relax. Not something I would really do like drive a stolen 4x4 through their front window and do donuts on them. I just told them I would creep into their house while they're asleep and stab them. Boring shit I would never do so they knew it was a joke.

That booth was just the start of the perks. It turns out Scott Pruitt has unlimited free mini soaps he buys from hotels, he has a Scott Pruitt coin with his face on one side and a picture of his house on the back, and he even has his own security detail of 30 guys and I ordered them to stand in a line and hitler salute me when I went to the bathroom. Huge, powerful diarrhhea too and they had to keep doing it.

That's it, really. That's all I had to say.

LATER, IDIOTS!!!    

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston