The year was 1995. Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated, OJ was innocent, Oklahoma City was bombed, Clinton was President and the Internet was still a new and confusing thing to most people. At the time I was working for a market research company called MediaHippo. We were hip college dropouts in our flannels and blue jeans, pulling crisp twenties out of wallets chained to our pants to buy lattes and then ride our scooters back to the office to play Shinobi in the staff arcade. MediaHippo went out of business in 2000 after millions in venture capital and a total of three sales of our annual market report.

While it still existed, my job at MediaHippo was to conduct surveys of young adults about emerging technologies like the Internet and cellular telephones. Towards the end of 1995 I conducted a survey of 8th graders at Walter Cronkite Junior High School in Albany, New York. MediaHippo didn't survive the millennium, but for some reason I still have my notes from the interviews I conducted. Without further ado, I will pry open that time capsule and bring you a vintage Kids Say the Darnedest Shit from 1995.

"I don't know but I bet it involves lots of white people."
"I log into AOL and then I go to the chat room where everyone is hot college girls and then I say "hello ladies" and it's totally on."
"It doesn't work! The phone number my computer calls is always busy so I just write "G-I-F" on pictures I tear out of my dad's Hustler magazine, then I cover them with a sheet of paper and every few seconds I uncover like a quarter inch of the picture. It's awesome."
"Hehe, usually my computer makes all these loud sounds and then Mister T eats some balls."
"I press 'F' in the tavern and Seth Able is one step closer to being mine."
"Someone records sounds from Caddyshack into their computer and then their computer calls the other person and says 'be the ball.'"
"I just can't tell you how great I think all of the pictures of women from Star Trek I found are. There was one of that chick with the curly hair and the lazy eyes and she was totally naked. What I mean to say is you people are embarrassing."
"The one with the smoking skull in the corner and instructions on how to make a pipe bomb."
"My own Web Site and it has some of my poetries about Transformers on it and a sweet MIDI of a Nirvana song."
"Hehehe, I was thinking of starting a page on the computer about funny pictures I found on other web pages and I am going to call it 'The Style Project.'"
"They have a page on there with rules for AD&D on how to have SEX!"
"I don't know what a web site is but if it's anything like unicorns then my favorite one is Princess Glittershine."
"Oh you know me don't bother trying to call because the line will be busy but you can meet me in my chat room 'White People are Scary Stupid.'"
"I am constantly playing awesome games on The Sierra Network because Red Baron rules!"
"It takes over two hours to download a picture of Cindy Crawford in a bra so I might as well just draw my own pictures."
"A lot of people have consumed a large volume of balls and I will not rest until I have seen them all."
"I am playing a game of chess using something called "emails" and I have to continually check it to see if my friend Vasilyev in St. Petersburg has moved a piece."
"Every once in a while I like to look up bad words in Hot Bot but I got caught by my mom and now I can only search for Biblical terms like Moses and Jenna Jameson."
"If I ran a web site then the world just turned upside down and airplanes are flying backwards."
"I would totally make a web site with some pictures of hot chicks like Sharon Stone and that girl with the huge jugs from Baywatch who looks like she's gonna get Hepatitis from a drummer."
"I already have my poetry web site but if I made another one it would be about how Bill Clinton looks like a monkey and it would be called 'Commander in Chimp.'"
"Hehehe, I bet Michael Jackson has room in his stomach for some balls."
"I would have a bunch of VRML spheres with photographs on them because that technology is amazing!"
"I would definitely put up a page about my friends and family with just enough personal information to allow anyone to steal their identities."
"A big flashing message that says 'this shit is broken.' That would make me happier than winnin' the lotto."
"An email message from Heather Locklear saying she totally wants my chode."
"More intrusive advertising."
"A place where, hehe, I can go to find acceptance despite my insatiable lust for balls. Heheh…wait a second. Can I take that back?"
"More homebrew adventure modules and downloadable wallpapers of dragons and wolves."
"Japanese loli porn with necro and vore overtones."
"A Klan rally with phasers and more obesity."
"Pretty much like it is now with even bosser animated GIFs and WAV file downloads."
"A multi-user consensual hallucination experienced through a direct neural interface. That, and lots of pornography."
"Sort of like a robot made out of moss."
"Like an epic 3D fantasy game where I can kill monsters over and over to obsessively gain levels while my social skills atrophy and my children are taken away because of neglect."
"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face...forever.""

I hope you enjoyed this blast from the past. The regular kids and usual topics will be back when the new school year begins.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful