For years, media darling Bill Cosby has had a vertical monopoly on asking children questions and getting whimsical answers. In an effort to break up this non-competitive environment I ventured to Whitebrook Elementary school in Chicago's north suburbs to speak with Mrs. Klinger's 3rd grade students. I asked them a broad range of questions, and boy was I surprised and amused by the answers I received.
In the interest of defeating Cosby's monopoly once and for all I present to you "Kids Says the Darnedest Shit".
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 | "I want to have a shield like Captain America to stop daddy from hitting mommy." |
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| "Invisibility so I can see what girls poop out." |  |
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 | "I would be Superman because bullets won't hurt him, and he can fly, and he can shoot ray beams out of his eyes, and he isn't Jewish." |
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| "Water, turn into water, so I can feel the warmth inside of a Dolphin." |  |
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 | "I want to jump really far to win the Olympics so I can laugh at all of the bad countries." |
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| "I like cotton candy because it is like eating a shirt made of candy." |
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| "The sweetest taste of all is victory on the battlefield." | |
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| "Uncle Carl has me suck on the garden hose and then he turns it on because he says I'm practicing so I want to try what I'm practicing to eat." |
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| "I like Go-gurt because it's a tangy treat for an on-the-go kid like me." | |
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| "I looooove eating paste because I think horses look delicious!" |
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| "I would vote for mommy because she said if I didn't she is cutting welfare." |
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| "If the founding fathers were alive today they would despair at the state of partisan rhetoric and the quality of candidates put forth by both major parties. That's why I would vote for Triple H." | |
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| "My cat Mrs. Crenshaw because she has a lot of black baby cats and that's like the president who daddy says wastes his money on all the black babies." |
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| "I would vote for George Bush because he makes daddy so mad and I hate daddy." | |
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| "DMX because he reminds me of my bike." |
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| "I can't get enough of Sounds of the Ocean 5! It just makes me want to dance like crazy." |
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| "I like to listen to ragtime because it reminds me of the good old days when mommy couldn't vote." | |
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| "I can sing every Power Ranger song because I have been indoctrinated since birth to be a cow-eyed shallow-minded consumer." |
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| "I enjoy the works of Phillip Glass because I have a stuttering problem and he shows me that I can overcome that by incorporating it into new age classical music." | |
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| "My favorite is Britney Spears. She looks like a clean girl that still likes to get it on." |
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| "Always, Be, Closing! Blake from 'Glengarry Glen Ross' taught me the alphabet. " |
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| "Kunta, Toby, whatever you call him, he's absolutely hilarious in 'Roots'." | |
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| "My favorite movie is 'The Little Mermaid' and I love Ariel because I want to grow legs some day and walk just like she did." |
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| "I loved Jesus in 'The Passion of the Christ'. I like pretty much any movie where Jesus is getting beaten up." | |
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| "My favorite is Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh! When he shouts the name of the card he's using a shiver runs right down my spine." |
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| "My daddy says that whole area should be turned into a window." |
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| "I think we should have a circus and they can all come and have fun and get their minds off their troubles." | |
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| "I hope that some day Halliburton will rebuild my dollhouse that my brother totally wrecked." |
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| "The president said things are going well and I agree with the president because there are a lot of really funny videos coming out of Iraq these days." | |
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| "Put Sandman back in charge. After all, it's his mess, so let him clean it up with his magical powers." |
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| "Totally! Last week I projected ice out of my hand and froze my friend Kumar and then I punched him with an uppercut and he shattered into a thousand pieces." |
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| "MTV's Jackass made me try to transform my penchant for stunts and pranks into a mediocre acting career." | |
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| "After listening to violent rapper Ice-T my sister now kills policemen daily." |
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| "I don't know if reality TV show Survivor qualifies as violent, but I'm pretty sure it's responsible for me wetting the bed." | |
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| "That time when the Tyrannosaurus ate Tucker Carlson on Crossfire was pretty awesome but I might have just dreamed that because daddy was gluing his airplanes again. That's when I see fun things!" |
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| "The inside of the dryer is the place where all of the cool kids take naps." |
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| "Mysterious friendly strangers in unmarked utility vans tend to have wildly unconventional definitions of the phrase 'lots of delicious candy'." | |
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| "Those bottles under the kitchen sink are for pirates only." |
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| "Rahowa!" | |
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| "When daddy hurts mommy from behind it's because they were eating a snack naked and she started choking." |
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| "You can get just about anything for fewer than ten dollars in Thailand." |
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| "I would like to visit France and then not buy anything so that France can feel my scathing political boycott firsthand." | |
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| "I have always wanted to go to Disneyworld to see if they have any unique branded merchandise not carried online or in brick-and-mortar outlets." |
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| "I would like to go to New Zealand and see if I can meet Hobbits or Xena." | |
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| "Las Vegas seems as good a place as any to die for my religion." |
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If you enjoyed these straight-shooting answers, let me know, and I will compile the rest of the responses for you in an unplanned Part 2 of Kids Say the Darnedest Shit. I had a lot of fun with Mrs. Klinger and her scamps and look forward to paying them a visit down the road.
– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)
