What we talk about when we talk about Naked and Afraid

The Discovery Channel's show Naked and Afraid is...

• Cormac McCarthy's The Road: An XXX Porn Parody.

• the horrific and glitched out mutant hybrid of Planet Earth and Wife Swap if someone put the DVDs in the machine from The Fly.
• the Adam and Eve origin story to all other shitty reality TV shows.
• the easiest way to see a blown out tattoo of a butterfly on a woman's ass without a case of Michelob Ultra.
• how people born after 1995 view America before 1980.
• a statement against mass consumerism in the same manner as a homeless man's defecation is a statement against Grey Hound buses.
• M4W - wild outdoor fun Age: 56

sane grey fox avg build looking for bbw 2 catch catfish w/ her crotch.
no smokers! sorry! ur pic gets mine. cannot host!

• the final boss level of Censor Bar All-Stars set on max difficulty.
• that reoccurring dream you have where you show up to school naked except instead of your school it's a jungle and instead of your 5th grade class it's a bunch of mosquitoes and instead of your teacher it's a dude who won't stop talking about Ford trucks.
• the most misleading and disappointing show title to a desperate teen since Food Network's Naked Chef.
• the marketing brainchild for Bass Pro Shop's new adult toy line.
• Butts: The Live Action Experience.
• your sexiest fantasy played out in awkward slow motion by people that look like your parents.
• eHarmony > Christian Mingle > Farmers Only > Naked and Alone
• you know how every jam band festival has a few topless women and a bunch of disappointed creepy dudes? Naked and Afraid is pretty much the syndicated version of that.
• quality television in the same regard that the FDA counts pizza as a vegetable in school lunches.
• the premise to a bad Hemingway novel if Ernest was failing his freshman Remedial English class because of an addiction to whippets and Fallout 2.
• the perfect description of losing your virginity.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)