EXCLUSIVE: A More Deeper Look at the PlayStation 5

WIRED is making a big deal out of the fact that they talked to PlayStation 5 system architect Mark Cerny. So what? I spoke to a picture of Mark Cerny printed out on dot matrix paper, and while he did not confirm any of these PS5 details, he also did not contradict them. Or blink much.

The PlayStation 5 will be named the PlayStation 5. Why? The first word, PlayStation, is a clever reference to other consoles named PlayStation. Meanwhile, the 5 at the end reminds you that this one is the PlayStation 5. If you must shorten the system's name Sony insists on the official abbreviation: PlStnFfffive.

At launch, at least one video game will be available. The idea is that people who purchase the PlayStation 5 might also purchase a software to use on the system. In fact, they will be statistically more likely to purchase a PlStnFfffive software than non-PlStnFfffive owners. If that goes well, Sony plans to roll out more video games.

The number of consoles available will be between 1 and infinity. Numerous sources have all but confirmed that on this scale, the number will be closer to 1. Better pre-order your system so you don't miss out!

As of the time of this writing, the design team is leaning towards placing the PlayStation 5 in a box with a picture of the console and also the name of the console. If there's any room left they hope to incorporate a bar code.

What about the system itself?

I have been assured that the PlayStation 5 will do "full graphics". If you heard rumors about half graphics or most graphics, those rumors were unfounded. The system will - at all times - output 100% of its visuals as graphics.

The CPU will be faster than the CPU in the PlayStation 4. I have not been able to get a confirmation that it is also faster than the CPUs in the PS3, PS2, and PS1.

Remember the useless battery-draining lightbars on the PlayStation 4 controllers? Haha. Well all I can say is thank goodness for progress. The lightbars are now five times brighter.

In a nod to the burgeoning online generation, the PlayStation 5 will connect to the internet for sports scores, stock prices, and Usenet contract killings.

People seem very interested in the case. While I can't show you the design I can exclusive confirm one major design detail: The PlayStation 5's outer case will be large enough to contain the console's interior hardware. There will be no computer guts hanging out and dripping computer blood.

Speaking of parts, Sony has assured me that most consoles will come with all the PlayStation 5's components.

SSD or traditional hard drive? When it comes to storage the PlStnFfffive will feature the best of both worlds. There will be a large SSD with ultra fast speeds AND a custom-built enclosure that will literally spin the entire SSD to simulate the spinning platter of a traditional hard drive.

Finally, there's the user interface. Users will be able to choose between a tiled low-res jpg of Big Dog and a non-tiled version of the same jpg blown up to cover the entire screen.

How reliable are these details? Not only are all of them true, but they are so powerfully true that there are multiple things I don't even know about the PlayStation 5 that are also true.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)