Prelude to a Date With Holly Body

I think I had this poster up next to Lita Ford.Over the course of her thirteen years in the adult film industry, Holly Body (aka Holly Morgan) has had more surgeries than a kid born with a heart defect. Cosmetic surgery is definitely not uncommon among porn stars but it's rare to find one like Holly Body who has gotten progressively uglier year after year in an ageless way. Her surgeon has transformed her from a trashy C-list porn star into a plasticized Venus with giant tits as hard as gristle and a bland face with the sort of features you might expect from a coin. Perhaps by injecting shark cartilage or fetal koala stem cells into her head this surgeon has made her face progressively larger. These days I'm half expecting her to change her stage name to something from a Dick Tracy cartoon like "Moonhead" or "Doubleface."

From a distance she looks a little bit like Mary McDonnell, which would be kind of creepy, but once you get up close she's just a collection of parts bought off the shelf. My favorite is whenever she is in a movie immediately after a surgery. She'll have these huge swollen lips that are still lopsided from collagen injections and seeping wounds around her nipples. The director will try to shoot around her self-inflicted wounds, but porn directors are generally as competent at their jobs as a junior high school student working at a supercollider.

Madam president, the oracles- oh, excuse me.The directors who aren't limited to pointing a camera at two people fucking are way out of their league trying to put CGI dragons and karate fights into a scene with two people fucking. The few who are the slightest bit competent are immense pretentious douchebags who think using a lot of slow motion and new age music somehow imbues their faux lesbian dreamscapes with some sort of deeper meaning. Needless to say right as Holly Body is unsheathing her Hellraiser-like tits the inept director probably has a close-up of where Doctor Greenbaum went in with the scalpel.

Holly Body also usually has some of the most appallingly bad hooker hair you'll see this side of a truck stop. Early in her career it was just the usual giant hair that you hope is a wig so you know the girl won't have to go home and look at it in a mirror. For a huge part of her career she wore some sort of nasty white girl dreadlocks that would have made the Predator jealous. More recently a leonine corona of curly black hair has erupted around her laminated features, perhaps in the vain hope that it might momentarily distract the viewer from what's going on with the rest of her.

Bad hair is nothing new in porn and there are several porn actresses who pretty much live paycheck to paycheck because they spend every dime on surgery. Heck, there are few among them who haven't bought massive breast implants and then decided that they were too big and paid to have them downsized. What makes Holly Body unique among the surgery fetishists in the porn industry is that they usually pretend to like their job. It sort of goes with the territory: you pretend to like having 30 inches of male genitalia divided up between your three holes and you walk away with a nice paycheck.

Fresh from kissing burners on the stove.Holly Body never got that memo. In every one of her onscreen appearances she writhes with indignation and constantly complains or, as evidenced by the inept editing in most of her movies, she enjoys it so little she calls a temporary halt to shooting. She grimaces at the sight of a penis and in a girl-girl scene she'll move unwilling towards a vagina as if it's about to overflow with hornets. Maybe that is why Holly has never quite broken into porno stardom. She's a half-forgotten player in the industry who is best known as "that girl who complains during every scene."

She has had maybe five covers in a time when any girl willing to be a "teen drencher" can get her face plastered on the cover for getting her face plastered on the DVD. As age has failed to take its toll on her service pack features she has still been drifting from titles like 1993s "Too Cute for Words" to 2004's "M.I.L.T.F. 9." I wonder if she really is a mom or if she is just playing one in the picture shows. Does she complain for the guy to hurry up and get it over with because she needs to "get Kylie to her spinning class" or does her ageless basalt face give her all the mommy cred she needs?

At this point I'm sure you're wondering why you should really give a shit what I think of some low rent porn starlet made out of puppet parts. If you're really curious, scroll down to the Awful Link of the Day.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)