The First Eleven Days of Burris

Day 6 - Wednesday

Heartsick that there would be no holiday celebrating his appointment to the Senate, Roland Burris opted to stay in bed and watched all of the episodes of Judge Mathis his DVR had picked up while he was working. His favorite episode was the one where Judge Mathis has to decide who gets a couple's poodle when they refuse to pay the kennel fees.

The kennel gets to keep it until they pay the fees.

Day 7 - Thursday

Voted "present" and "yay" on a Senate Amendment to H.R. 734 "Shoes for Cancer Babies." The Amendment passed and the revised bill will now provide $2.3 million for shoes for babies with cancer and $1.6 billion for a new type of missile that can hit scuba divers.

At lunch he was assaulted by members of Jay Rockefeller's senate staff. They were wearing West Virginia Wildcats jackets with a picture of a cougar on the back and they beat Burris with chains until Illinois Sen. Durbin fired a pistol into the air and warned them, "You want a war? You want a fucking war? Tell Rockefeller if he wants to take out Burris he's gotta come through me."

Day 8 - Friday

Introduced S. 2996, a vote to name December 25th of each year "African-American Junior Senator from Illinois Roland W. Burris Day" in honor of Roland W. Burris. Bill failed when co-sponsor was noted to be "Noland W. Murris (R-Ill.)."

Senator Burris later realized he proposed Christmas for his holiday, but he could not find an actual co-sponsor for his revised resolution.

Consoled himself by purchasing a baker's dozen Mylar balloons reading "World's Best Senator" at the Capitol gift shop.

Day 9 - Saturday

Used day off to make a list of accomplishments to be engraved on giant marble funeral monument. List included: Pizza Lover (Greatest), First African-American Kite Boarder, First African-American Appointed to the Senate, First African-American Appointed by Governor Blagojevich to the Senate, and First African American Senator Appointed in 2009 in Illinois by Governor Blagojevich.

Day 10 - Sunday

Reflected on accomplishments. Prayed for more accomplishments.

Day 11 - Monday

First African-American to propose legislation to land astronauts on Jupiter. Purely historical legislation accidentally rolled up by giant Katamari ball of stimulus plan. Estimate cost to fly to Jupiter and land a man there: $275, but that's just back-of-the-envelope math.

Eleven days into the Burris administration and we have already seen some incredible achievements. Will popular opinion stay behind Roland Burris? Will he be able to accomplish all the things he has already paid to have inscribed on his memorial? Only time, and Roland W. Burris, will tell.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)