Southern Fried Retards

Your News at a Glance

Immigrant Sues Alabama Over English-Only Driver's Test - Another intensely stupid lawsuit? You betcha!

I personally agree with this outlook and think that America is acting very racist and discriminatory by only offering the driving test in English. If I were to fathom a conservative estimate, I would guess there's at least nine different immigrant nationalities currently living in the US, even more if you count the people waiting in line at the local In and Out Burger. It's quite racist to assume that all people living in America speak English, and as a result, I believe all driving tests and traffic signs should be translated to every known language in the universe including Klingon and that one which involves clicking your tongue a lot. This will result in the following outcomes which will undoubtedly be beneficial to everybody involved (unless of course you actually live in or travel to America):

So, as you can see, it's the world's God-given right to have American streetsigns translated to every language known to mankind and many theoretical languages which are currently being invented. It's even your American right as a native non-American.

Confederate Flag Casts Shadow of Doubt Over King Day - Those wacky southern gents are at it again, defending the Confederate flag from the evil people who don't like to be reminded of what the South stood for back in the Civil War: bloated, armed white guys with sideburns the size of yak legs.

To sum up the argument revolving around the Confederate flag, there are currently two warring factions at odds with each other: the group of people who like the Confederate flag and the group of people who DON'T like the Confederate flag.These groups will not reach a compromise and will not settle until their complete demands have been met, which range from either having the flag stay up to having the flag NOT stay up. Negotiators have been called in and offered the following solutions, but neither side has agreed with them:

As imagined, none of these solutions panned out properly, and as a result, South Carolina is currently stuck in a stalemate (that is a chess term which is declared when your opponent picks up your Queen piece and shoves it into his mouth before fleeing from the room in a maniacal frenzy). However, I have a solution which will easily benefit all parties involved, as well as take advantage of an American tradition. It's simple: REVISIONIST HISTORY.

Remember when all the self-professed "historians" stepped out of the woodwork in the late 1980's and claimed absolutely insane things like George Washington was really a Hispanic female in drag and Christopher Columbus was a wife-swapping opium junkie who sold his Nina, Pinta, and Santa Monica series of adventure boats for two dollars cash and a pack of cigarettes? If the government employs these history revisionists to create a "new" Confederate history, one with an embarrassingly stupid looking flag, the southern gents will have no problem at all with taking down their flags. All they have to do is write some bogus research papers, hold a few press conferences, and bam, problem solved. Just to make South Carolina's problems easier, I have developed a few potential ideas for Confederate flags. If your state chooses to use them, I expect my site's URL to be printed on the bottom of every single flag.

Option #1: "Penis County" flag. Note the "flaming pink" background color which suggests blatant homosexuality, inferring that perhaps the Confederate-obsessed flag nutballs are having sex with their sister just to cover up their homosexuality.	Option #2: "Otis Nixon Profile Shot" flag. Otis Nixon, one of the most horrendously ugly men in baseball, would make sure not a single Confederate flag is ever sold. Ever.

Nintendo Controls What Words You Can Write and Use - Apparently not happy with only pulling in $67 billion a day from sales of Charmander nativity scenes and Pikachu feminine anti-itch products, Nintendo has publicly declared that nobody can use or write the word "Pokemon" except them.

We represent Nintendo of America Inc. ("Nintendo"), the owner of the trademark(s) and/or copyrighted works listed above (the "Nintendo trademark(s)/works"). It has come to our client's attention recently that you are using the Nintendo trademark(s)/works in the hidden text/visible text/Meta tags and/or title of the above-referenced sexually explicit Web site. This use is unauthorized, and we are writing to demand that you immediately cease and desist this infringement of Nintendo's intellectual property rights."

1) Crackerjap doesn't have any porn. 2) They didn't even have the word "Pokemon" in any of their active webpages.