This isn't fair

Summer Time Means Fair Time!

Experience the sheer amazing power of "The Weeping Traffic Cone".That's right everyone, it's time for this year's exciting Arlogeist County Fair, proudly sporting the motto, "Passing the future of the past all during the future of our modern day!" With that in mind, we have scheduled an amazing Technologitorium Exhibit as the central attraction. Held in the North Crandlesburgh Livestock Pavilion, this exhibit will feature amazing technology of tomorrow such as "The Hovering Automobile", "The Incredible Teleporting Donkey", "The Weeping Traffic Cone", and the incredible "Self Replicating Doomsday Robot", which is both deadly and environmentally friendly (it is powered by human souls)! Also featured in this exhibit will be "wacky" innovations of yesteryear that never quite caught on like "Thought Helmets", "Meal in a Bucket", "The Incredible Wingless Space Travel Device", "Ape with a Skillet", and "Adult Literacy".

However, there is much more at the fair than just the wonder of human invention! There are also a number of exciting rides, games, events, and delicious food to enjoy and flee in terror from!

RIDES:

Plasma Centrifuge-a-nator - This high octane thrill ride will get your heart pounding and separate your vital plasma from the rest of your worthless blood. Head on over to the Red Cross Blood & Plasma Drive booth and be rewarded with 50 funtickets. Upgrade that to 100 funtickets simply by heading straight to the State Og Nocturnal Monstrosity Feeding Pit.

The ALF Fun Coaster - Do you find television star ALF as exciting as we do? If your answer is "yes," then get ready for the ALF Fun Coaster! The ride consists of a 100 foot vertical drop inside the "ALF cage," impacting into a block of solid steel. Upon landing you will be treated to a life-sized animatron of ALF that screams racial slurs and profanities at children. ALF has eye-lasers, but luckily we haven't taught him how to use them... properly.

Crazy Doctor Nutso's House of Craziness - This wacky creation was built by the Habitat For Humanity and features absolutely bonkers mirrors and a room that was constructed specifically to confuse the retarded. If the retarded aren't sufficiently confused and horrified, our hidden detectors instruct the mirrors to fall over and crush them to death. Do not feed the rats.

Famous Presidents of the Caribbean - Avast! Old peg leg Lincoln and his crew of no-good sea dogs are causing trouble again for the ol' British Navy! Due to technical difficulties with one of the animatrons, First Mate Washington has been replaced with a purple bear in a dress. Please educate your children that George Washington was in fact a raccoon. Some of the cannons are still functional, but they will only fire at you.

Good old "Bloody Eyes" Monroe is looking to have a few words with you.Bathrooms - Conveniently located near the back fence, our six portable bathroom fun centers are great for the whole family. Fantastic prizes emerge from the bowl when you sit down! So do fantastic stalks of corn, fantastic mice, and fantastic metal rods with tiny cameras attached to the end. Please do not urinate on the exhibits.

StateOg's House of Terror - Make this spooky ride the last visit of the day since you may not come back... well, alive anyway. The ride begins as you climb into a 1988 Ford Escort that immediately catches fire and lurches towards a pallet of poorly stored phosphorous. Blaze a trail from there into the haunted graveyard, in which you will wait in a spooky line to receive an IRS tax audit. Your heart still pounding, you will then be stripped naked and forced to speak in front of a large crowd of hostile people while spiders and snakes are randomly dropped from the ceiling. End your journey of horror by holding an uncomfortably long conversation with a shifty-eyed homeless man who has fewer teeth than he has fingers. He lost four fingers in a yacht accident.

GAMES AND EVENTS:

The Amazing Mule - Half horse, half donkey, pure entertainment! Watch as the Amazing Mule chews slowly on hay and looks at you with thrilling stubbornness! The Amazing Mule "gets down" to some of the greatest hits of the '80s and '90s! No flash photography allowed, as it distracts the two inbred hicks poking the donkey with sticks behind the curtains.

Ring Toss - Throw rings over dowel rods and win big! Get one and you win a goldfish! Get all three and you win an orphan! An orphan puppy, of course! What, do you think we are some kind of monsters? Puppies are edible and their meat is more flavorful if they die painfully. Win 5 times and you get to go home with your original spine.

Pie Eating Contest - Who has the biggest appetite for pie in the entire county? Well you'll soon find out! Due to budgetary restrictions all contestants must share a single pie, the one leftover from last year's festival.

Kissing Booth - The hottest woman we could find is puckered up and ready to give you a little mouth to mouth action! As an added bonus, she just happens to be your mom!

Non-Violent Prayer Gallery - Make those milk bottles fall over by calling upon the divine wrath of our Lord! If you're a daring type, sign a pact with the devil and that oversized Taiwanese stuffed bear can be yours! Oh, yeah, like those stupid baseballs are going to knock them over when they're simply filled with the oppressive weight of mankind's original sin.

"Cap'n Ronnie's Benthic Sediment Back Salve's" Miss Teen Arlogeist Beauty Pageant - Come and see the lovely ladies competing to win the hearts of the judges. Competitors will be judged in the following categories: talent, evening gown, swim suit, staring contest, jump kick height, pill dry swallow, meditation, vaginal muscle control, animal husbandry, tire pressure, and protein capsid retroviral engineering. Don't miss out as the scepter of power is handed over to another lucky lady, a lucky lady who also wins an autographed 3-piece suit gently used by Neil Armstrong! All of this is brought to you thanks to "Cap'n Ronnie's Benthic Sediment Back Salve", the only back salve that contains all the relaxing power of 20 atmospheres, along with that added Cap'n Ronnie zing.

Plus So Much More!

The secret ingredient that makes fair food so good is "love". It also might be Grade D rendered animal remains.
• Exploding Steam Engines
• Cotton Candy
• Deep Fried Pickles
• Deep Fried Cheese
• Popcorn
• Deep Fried Cotton Candy
• Deep Fried Cake Icing
• Deep Fried Popcorn
• Canned Vegetables
• Deep Fried Canned Vegetables w/ French Dip
• Deep Fried Cake Icing w/ Ranch Sauce
• Loaded Deep Fried Cheese w/ Zesty Cheese Sauce
• Funnel Cakes
• Iced Funnel Cakes
• Deep Fried Ice Funnel Cakes w/ Chili Cheese Topping
• Tractor Pulls
• Deep Fried Tractor Pulling Deep Fried Funnel Cake w/ Chili Cheese Topping
• Goats
• Red Goats

The Arlogeist County Fair is just minutes away from dirt! Come on down and check out all the wonderful rides, exhibits and delicious food items. Don't forget to bring the kids! Wednesday night is carload night, where everyone you can cram into a car will have to pay individual admission price for each person in the car. Ladies get in free on Thursday night because someone has to clean the place up and cook us all dinner. Haha, only kidding ladies, you can still pay to get in if you don't want to do your womanly duty. This year's fair is brought to you by Arlogeist GmbH, State Og, and The Great Wall of Pimentos, serving greater Michigan the finest in pimento takeout since 1998. Remember to stop by The Great Wall of Pimentos this weekend and get a free beverage with the purchase of a large pimento salad mixer. Every weekend is olive rodeo weekend for the kids at The Great Wall of Pimentos, and remember; "we're the only thing between I-34 and the tire store!"

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)