| Do you think there should be a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage? | |
 Dawn CatwandPrayer Bus Volunteer | "Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman or, in the case of Mr. Pringles and Bongo, a mini-Pin and a Pug. Darlene said Bongo is definitely not gay and I know my Mr. Pringles." |
 Sgt. J.J. PillockU.S. Army | "They're destroying the institution of marriage. When my brother heard gays could marry he immediately got a divorce from his wife. What's next from these homos? Are they gonna want to drive? Translate Arabic?" |
 Rhett RacecarMILF Hunter | "When I heard they legalized gay marriage I was really excited because that meant CNN would have a bunch of footage of hot babes kissing. Ha, I'm definitely against gay marriage after what I saw." |
 Brian MultitoastHemp Advocate | "Oh, no, definitely not. We're all just tiny atoms circling in the same cosmic body electric. Proton to proton, electron to electron, it's all good, man." |
 Jeineane FizzMarketing | "No, of course not, because the thing I want more than anything is fewer available men. " |
 Rudy GiulianiImmigrant | "You just got to ask yourself: man, what would Batman do? I'm pretty sure you know, Batman would marry a gay." |
| What will you do if a candidate you do not support wins the election? | |
| Dawn Catwand Prayer Bus Volunteer | "Oh, dear, well I don't know. I suppose I'll just wait until the bus is all full of praying kids and then I'll drive the darn thing off a bridge. Ker-splash! No point living." |
| Sgt. J.J. Pillock U.S. Army | "God created rooftops so you can vote from them. With a rifle. I mean 'shoot' when I say 'vote.' Hopefully the rooftop has wheelchair access." |
| Rhett Racecar MILF Hunter | "Haha, ain't no thang. I'll probably sleep in and forget to vote that day anyway. You snooze, you lose, but you're well rested. Hahaha!" |
| Brian Multitoast Hemp Advocate | "Man, I always expect disappointment. I've got my bags all packed and everything. The minute I hear about one of those corporatist slime balls winning I will do what I did in 2004 and not move to Canada like I swore I would." |
| Jeineane Fizz Marketing | "If it's Giuliani I'll just listen to radio a lot. If It's Clinton I guess I'll start thinking about having sex with a woman. It got me out of gym class in 8th grade, it can work again." |
| Rudy Giuliani Immigrant | "Guess I'll just move back to Mexico and eat dirt like all of the poor Mexican dirt-eaters. Oh, wait, I almost forgot! I can go teach at a respected university in Mexico and live in an air-conditioned five-bedroom villa." |
I'll continue to try to ingratiate myself with the new principal at Whitebrook. I'm told Harry & David have a great candied fruit basket that I'm sure Mrs. Poplar will enjoy.
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
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Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
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