23 Tips for Driving in the Winter

• Wait to make your turns until the last possible second so that snow doesn’t have time to counter-act your movements.

• Pump your breaks constantly whenever you’re in high traffic areas to ensure traction.
• If your car is coated in snow in the morning do NOT wipe it off. As long as you’re covered, winter can’t see you. It’s the same strategy used to great effect in Predator.
• Bundle snow driving with a land line package for great savings.
• The last thing you want to do is make matters worse, so any time you talk about winter weather be sure to mention “I’ve got a lot of friends that are snowmen.”
• Carefully follow this path to cut a lap off your winter commute.
  
• Keep your emergency brake on for your whole trip. The added heat from friction will melt the snow.
• In the Battle of Hoth, the rebels destroyed multiple AT-ATs by wrapping a sturdy wire around their legs. Not really sure how that helps, but keep it in mind regardless.
• If you’re driving and the winter weather gets too bad, have a friend call you and act like there is an emergency. Then you have the perfect excuse to leave without hurting winter weather’s feeling.
• Driving in the winter is just as miserable as everything else in the winter. You might as well quit everything and just hibernate until April.
• Regardless of traffic or road conditions, jerk the wheel back and forth like they do in old movies so that winter thinks you’re trying really hard.
• Lower your speed limit until you’re just idling down the highway. Act surprised when some jerk has the gall to honk at you as they swerve out of the way.
• Finish and follow this original meme: 
• Be sure to put some of the summer days in saving so that you can withdraw them during this sort of weather.
• Just demand that everyone in your work and personal life must come to your house if they want to meet.
• Take the time to overthink every single aspect of your driving until you become a numb ball drifting mindlessly down the road. This is also a great tip for life in general.
• Easily keep a 500 foot distance from other cars by pretending that everyone in every vehicle finds you disgusting and has a restraining order against you. It shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
• You can drive however you want as long as you constantly repeat “there is no snow, there is no snow, there is no snow.” But if you stop saying it for even a second then you spin out.
• Sell your car and buy a snowmobile so that you will be prepared for the ten or so days a year it really gets bad.
• Put chains on your tires. Put chains on your roof. Put chains all over until it looks like Pixar is making a Cars sequel with heavy BDSM themes.
• Get on Snow’s good side by listening to its #1 hit, Informer.
• Take control of the situation by preemptively crashing into the car ahead of you.
• Move to a place that doesn't have shitty weather. Seriously, what are we doing here? We could live anywhere in the entire world and yet year after year we keep doing this to ourselves.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)