Gilligan's Island

Huh?

Almost everyone who has ever seen a complete episode of Gilligan's Island has gone on to commit suicide at least once in their lives. If you are reading this review I will assume that you haven't taken the easy way out just yet, if you aren't reading this then you should probably seek help because apparently you are hearing voices in you're head and that cant be healthy, particularly when my voice is one of them. Anyway, if you are some sort of crazed Gilligan's Island loving, cave dwelling, Taliban type of person who is hungry for all things Bob Denver, please read on. Otherwise, please continue swallowing large quantities of Vallium and wishing your parents had been too poor to purchase a television set.

Uh okayGame Plot: I guess that we have to assume that the reasoning behind the decision to turn Gilligan's Island the TV show into a console game was something along the lines of "POPULAR SHOW = POPULAR GAME = MONEY FOR US = COCAINE." Generally, this would be a pretty sound formula for success, but unfortunately for the people at Bandai Co, a show like Gilligan's Island doesn't really lend itself to the kind of fast-paced, hard-hitting, controlled-substance-funding gaming bonanza that was popular back in the days of the venerable Nintendo Entertainment System. In fact, the only variety of computer game that Gilligan's Island might inspire would be some sort of simulator. To be more precise, a hut building simulator. I can't even begin to describe the elation that I felt when I released all my dreams and aspirations in the field of hut building were going to come to fruition via a 128KB ROM file, but I may have said something along the lines of "Sweet Jesus!. All my dreams and aspirations in the field of hut building are finally coming to fruition via a 128KB ROM file!!!"

Augh, no!!!Enemies: There are a surprising amount of enemies for a game that is based around the relatively non-confrontational art of hut building. For example there are a lot of monkeys, parrots, snakes, really big and fat wild pigs, holes in the ground (dug by who?! Answer me that!), quicksand, and deadly mice. Actually, this was one of the most disturbing aspects of the game. Why are all these animals and holes so intent on preventing the Skipper and Gilligan from building a hut? Are they part of some extreme animal / hole anti-hut movement? Or do they just dislike big, fat, blue sailors and stripy little red and white retards ruining their environment by building high-rise huts in random locations around their precious ecosystem? Whatever the answer is, the producers of this game failed to address this vitally important question. Major minus points for that little fuck up.

Number of Bosses: I didn't actually get past the bit where you have to collect the hut-building material. Which, incidentally, is already just lying around the jungle floor ready to be picked up and used. Those thoughtful trees! They cut themselves down just to be kind to their little buddy Gilligan! However, in the two minutes that I played, I came to the conclusion that the Skipper was definitely the boss. Yes, Gilligan was almost certainly the submissive one. But remember children, Gilligan is not gay! He is 100% straight, albeit in a cotton-lined-suede-gloves hanging out of the back pocket in a gay nightclub in Amsterdam kinda way. If you catch my drift.

Number of Levels: How many ways are there to build a fucking hut? Jesus Christ, what a stupid question.

Defining Moment: I'm really tempted to go with the hut building but it would probably be the bit where the Skipper dragged Gilligan into some bushes and they made hot, steamy love. And then Ginger found them and hit them over the head with a coconut and they both died.

So, that is basically the long and short of it. The game has alot of rudimentary wooden shelter construction and a sizable dose of "being one of the worst games ever made in the whole history of the universe and also the Milky Way." There is also quite alot of homosexuality and death by tropical vegetables; anyone who thinks a coconut is not a vegetable can just keep their retarded, childish little opinions to themselves because I don't particularly give a flying fuck. This game should only be played if you aspire to be an architect on a deserted tropical island... otherwise, stay right away from it or you will be forced into self-murderization and go to Hell where you will be forced to build huts for all eternity.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Tom "BlackDog" Dewar (@sexyfacts4u)