State Og Update: 04.23.05

State Og

Sorry about the lack of recent updates, but we just plain didn't have enough material for a few weeks there. This section will receive a lot more focus and from now on there will be a full (and hopefully improved) State Og every single Saturday. Thanks for hanging in there. Special thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell, Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson and Don "Motorcycle" Jolly.

Incredible State Og Facts

You know our corporation has existed for generations upon generations. You know we have created scores of innovative products that shaped the very fabric of today's culture. You're pretty sure we've been knocking your garbage cans over every Thursday. What you don't know about State Og, however, could fill a book. Or maybe a few paragraphs, we'll see how I feel in a few minutes. Prepare yourself, for I am about to drop some knowledge and with any luck it will land in your general area.

Did You Know?

State Og's offices employ advanced harmonic vibration theory, which essentially shifts the buildings and its inhabitants outside of time as we know it. Three weeks spent in our headquarters is no more than one second anywhere else in the world. By placing our time clocks outside of our offices, we don't have to pay our employees shit.

Did You Know?

At any given moment, the combined weight of our employees is equal to that of Rhode Island. There might not seem to be a good reason for this, but in time you'll understand.

Did You Know?

State Og had plans to release its own video game system for the upcoming generation of consoles, but after several spies from rival companies were discovered the Revolution 360 PSDS 3 project was abandoned.

Did You Know?

In Australia, dogs run backwards and are called "woofers" by the drunken locals.

Letters to the Editor: One customer, two letters!

It's pretty rare for us at State Og to receive two letters from the same customer, unless the product they bought was our State Og brand chocolate chip cookies, that are renown far and wide by connoisseurs for their sweet, chewy deliciousness and by scientists who use them to induce Alzheimer Disease in laboratory animals.

Dear State Og,

Being a poor college student with a self-anointed calling to cover every square inch of my neighborhood with the “Che Guevara Lives!” fliers I've designed, I needed an affordable printer sold by a company that didn't charge a small fortune for ink refills. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that your Phaserjet 5000 not only cost a mere $10, but the ink cartridges only cost $1 and seem to last a long, long time. I've been printing my fliers all day long for the last three days and my Phaserjet 5000 has shown no signs of running out of ink. The print quality seems a bit sub-par and a bit weird, but, for the price, I'm not complaining!

Thanks, State Og! During the next WTO protest I attend, I'll try to vandalize more of your competitors' stores in the immediate area than yours.

Yours truly,
Jeffery Kincaid

You're welcome, Jeff. But, what's this? It appears you wrote us a second letter, this time using email!

You goddamn capitalistic dollar fuckers,

I take back everything I said in the letter I wrote to you assholes yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night to find my new printer had somehow grew legs and arms, and was in the middle of using a syringe to extract blood: my blood! It immediately injected itself with the syringe and pulled out a long rubber or plastic tube while saying, “Yellow ink low! Please insert catheter!” I was able to force it out of my room and lock it out, but it's still banging on my door, screaming something about its syringe being infected with herpes and to net it in to administer “treatment.”

I demand a full refund and as soon as I get out of my room I'm contacting a lawyer.

Jeffery Kincaid

Well Jeffery, we've got good news for you: the Phaserjet 5000 is bluffing! Despite the PJ5000's promiscuous ways, it features advanced nanomachines inside which kill all bacteria and viruses while it refills its “ink” reservoirs. Don't worry about herpes, the PJ5000 is just trying to trick you in order to tear you apart and fill up on your rich and colorful fluids.

The State Og Runaway Hotline

Hey kids! I'm Lonely Sam, the pre-teen runaway! Do you feel isolated and alone? Like you can't talk to anybody? Have you ever thought about running away from home?

Well, I'm here to tell you that it's totally radical! When you run away, you get to eat whenever you want and you never have to go to bed. And when you're not in school, you'll have plenty of time to practice mad skating tricks in the park! You'll be the baddest kid on the block in no time!

But even totally ripped runaways need some help sometimes, which is why you need to meet my friends at State Og! You see, every healthy kid has these things called “organs” in their chest – most of them they don't really need. State Og will take them out, and get this, give you a FREE TOY* just for letting them mess with you for a while! It's boss! Plus, you get a cool scar that all the other homeless chicks will dig.

Just call 1-800-FREETOY to get your hands on the goods! Remember, us runaways have to stick together. Everybody else hates us.

Yes, even mee-maw. She uses those pictures you send her every year to clean her trache ring.

So call State Og today! And remember - you have no home.

- State Og Representative