State Og Update: 12.08.02

From Us to You

It's the second week of December and you know what that means! Er, actually, we have no idea what that means. Maybe it's some weird holiday or something in a squalid 48th-world country like Bumrundia or Hacksylvania or Spain. Regardless, we've got another red-hot State Og update for you ladies and crippled gentlemen! A special thanks goes out to Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Festering Falls, Utah), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Mormon Grove, Florida), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Beet Camp, Montana), Michael "Coefficient" O'Shaughnessy (Friendly Acres, Russia), Gary "Gary Morris" Morris (Raccoon City, STARS), and Ian "Kill Maestro" Hill (Jonestown, Africa).

An Open Letter to the Founders of Arlogeist GmbH

Dear Mr. Parsons and Mr. Kyanka,

It has come to our attention that your impressive corporation, Arlogeist GmbH, has recently made many great scientific strides in the field of cloning. We at State Og would like to express our deep respect for your company by congratulating you on your latest breakthroughs. Though we just realized many of your programs make us direct competitors for both the commercial market and government grants, gosh golly, we feel that the spirit of competitions is what brings out the best in any organization. Because of this, we hope that our two companies share many years of gentlemanly and gracious rivalry.

On a personal note, please allow me to convey the sense of high-regard that I hold for the two of you, your accomplishments, and what appears to be your bright futures. I also respect the fact that the two of you are not only men of business and science, but that neither of you adhere to any form of superstitious belief like so many of our former competitors do. Honestly, it’s perplexing how so many great scientific minds and remarkable businessmen have opted for an early retirement and have taken up the irrational belief that anybody who competes against State Og ends up very “unlucky” just because of the consistent trend of misfortune that seems to follow owners and employees of companies who sought a slice of our market share - such as waking up missing key body parts. While many of these worthy rivals only ended up learning that there are fates worse than death, we hope your future teaches you many profitable lessons.

Though we at State Og don’t belief in luck, we would be lying if we said that weren’t concerned about your well being. As a gesture of good will, we had a team of our security experts examine the security precautions you take on both a personal level and for your residences, and we found them wanting. Just in case there is some substance behind this “bad luck” nonsense, we’re currently dispatching several teams of our cloned Yakuza “bodyguards” to make up for your defensive deficiencies. Let it not be said that State Og won't help those in need. We would be greatly saddened if some tragedy has befalls you, such as was the case with a former competitor named Scott Donaldson, who one day woke up without a skeleton.

Not only will the practitioners of the ancient Yakuza tradition protect you, you’ll be protected by modern science as well! We’ve moved a dozen of our Angel-O’-Vengeance class satellites into a synchronous orbit over each of your homes and places of work. The advanced imagery sensors on these satellites can identify individual people from orbit and guide their onboard laser-cannons to hit moving targets as small as a human testicle. You can now travel about safely, knowing a flock of “guardian angels” is looking down upon you. We would feel horrible if something nasty happened to you as you walk around outside, like former competitor James DeVoll, who after being violently perforated by an unseen assailant one night, woke up inside a dumpster forty-leagues under the ocean.

Our surveillance team tells me that you both have been working around the clock on your latest exciting projects. Such commitment is commendable, but we don’t want you two to endanger your health by working too hard. We suggest you take a break and either step outside to get a refreshing breath of fresh air or to take a relaxing nap under the ground.

Best regards,

State Og Secretary of “Bad Luck”

The Slow and Furious

We at State Og would like to state that we embrace and accept our mentally challenged, laughing with them rather than at them, even when they can't see the signs we taped to their backs. That is why State Og is proud to sponsor a new and exciting activity for young retards: the Special Kumite. In the spirit of fair competition and physical fitness, this organized bloodsport will truly determine the fittest of the subnormals, pitting them against each other in brutal martial arts fisticuffs. The no-holds-barred policy of the Special Kumite ensures that the competitors will use every ounce of their limited ability to emerge champion!

State Og has committed to quality in this event, hiring nine-time underground Kumite champion and multiple-convicted felon Yoshihiro Kawada to train the young gladiators. His enthusiasm for his work really shows, as the constant beatings given to his pupils are transforming them into the hardened, welt-covered warriors they must be to survive. Mr. Kawada commented, "they were weak! Miserable! Now strong!" Kawada then landed a snap kick to the jaw of young Downs Syndrome sufferer George Dinnes, sending him flipping end over end three times before rebounding off a Coke machine. "See? He almost conscious!" Mr. Kawada also remarked, "HAIIIIIIIIIII!"

The Special Kumite is not just an event for the malformed: tickets are available to watch the bloody spectacle starting as low as $1,328.18! The show is guaranteed to entertain, as the competitors' unusually thick skulls mean more blows are required to put them out. We checked! We wish all the competitors luck, and ask them to remember the Special Kumite motto: "Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me die with honor."

State Og Acid Challenge Winner

Today marks a great accomplishment for one of State Og’s finest! News has just reached us that Bob Nigel, an employee from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, crushed the overwhelming odds and became the first man in history to survive the State Og Acid Challenge. The test consists of one simple trial; the challenger must endure seven gallons of deadly acid poured over his naked flesh. Since Mr. Nigel did not choose to undergo the Acid Challenge on his own accord, but was in fact forced outside into the Og Acid Rain by his fellow coworkers, State Og must waiver the monetary element of his reward. However, we are quite certain Mr. Nigel will enjoy his State Og beer hat and Acid Challenge trophy just the same!

The mischievous coworkers who locked Mr. Nigel out of the building during the acid storm report that they “knew Bob always had it in him,” and though Bob was running about and screaming “my flesh, burning, oh God, help,” they were certain he was going to tough it out until the end.

One coworker, Stephen Greenwich, admits to stripping Mr. Nigel of his clothes while he slept and throwing him into the already heavy acid rain, saying, “Bob woke up for a second while I was dragging him out and asked me why he was naked and what I was doing, but by that time we were already near the door, so I just flung him out into the acid. After that he screamed, ‘thank you for this opportunity!’ or something like that, and right then I knew he was one lucky bastard.”

We sent a team to interview Mr. Nigel at his hospital in Pennsylvania; however, he was restricted by the doctors from moving any part of his body. Though he was unable to talk to us about his success, a hearty congratulation goes out to him from State Og!

Funny Friends For Funny Friends!

Ants. Piranha. America's most favorite of household pets. If only there were a way to combine the two...

Well boy, have we got great news for you! The ever increasingly cutting edge scientists at State Og's Ever Increasingly Cutting Edge Institute of Science have found a way to bridge the subtle gap between ant and piranha DNA, creating the new ideal pets that we have taken to calling: Funny Friends! A short time after ordering your shipment of Funny Friends, an official State Og "Funny Friend Rancher" will arrive at your door and begin preparing your household to become a more Funny Friend-ly environment. After this simple procedure, consisting mostly of the Funny Friend Rancher taking your television set and then driving away, you will now free to open your box of Funny Friends and watch the fun immediately begin!

USA Today calls Funny Friends: a "highly dangerous species of piranha [with the capability to] live on land and operate amongst each other in a highly organized colonial structure that is not above killing and / or eating human beings!" Now that's a pet America can be proud of! Won't your neighbors be grateful when they peek over the fence and see one of the neighborhood's annoying stray cats or children being pulled underground by the powerful jaws of an adorable Funny Friend, never to be seen or heard from again! Wherever your location, Funny Friends are the perfect and ethically mandatory addition to your brand new household, apartment, or P.O.W. camp!

Funny Friends are in no way related to "State Og's Piranhas (tm)" developed for and currently in use by the US Military. Funny Friends can(will) grow to over eight feet in length over their seventy year life span and it is recommended to euthanize your Funny Friends before the age of twelve days.

Save the State Og Way

State Og occasionally gets letters at the head office asking all sorts of varied and intelligent questions like "why should I shop with you?", "why did you knock down my house while I was on vacation?" and "when are you going to pay the compensation you owe me?" This is quite remarkable when you think the I.R.S. hasn't even been able to track down head office yet!

Although we've got a team of hobos working around the clock to answer the last two questions, let me just give you the low-down on why shopping with State Og is the shopping you'll need to do. Not only will you receive first-class service from the troglodytes working in local State Og branches, we are also the only company that beams high-frequency sine waves into your head through store PA's. Do they do you any harm? We'll have to look into that! However, the main reason people buy State Og time and again is the unbelievably prices. You experience SAVINGS SAVINGS SAVINGS at our stores. See how I wrote "savings" in upper case three times? That just proves we bring you more savings than other "so called" low cost stores! And if you don't believe me, just read the sentence again! See? SAVINGS SAVINGS SAVINGS! It's like there was an explosion at the price factory, but this time we don't want to cover it up with bribes to officials!

We buy in bulk, often from countries you can't find on most maps, and have what we say in the trade as "no health and safety laws whatsoever." This means we can pass the savings directly on to you! And when you come to our stores you'll undoubtedly notice large dollar signs hanging from the ceiling. That's simply more proof we can bring you low, low prices! The more "$" signs we hang on the ceiling, the more you save! It's a fact proven by the GOVERNMENT! See how I wrote "Government" in upper case again? It means we can't be lying to you! We actually had to raise all product prices so we could afford to make all these dollar signs - just so we could prove to you that you save money! And if that isn't reason enough to shop with us, then perhaps some of the heavies we employ will have to persuade you otherwise by filling your car full of dollar signs and rolling it off a pier at the docks.

Summer Camp in Winter

Summer Camp is one of the formative experiences of a child. It is an experience that every kid should have at least once; otherwise, they'll probably develop wrong. I mean, EVERYONE's gone to summer camp. Another thing that is important for your child to learn is history: how can we prevent mistakes tomorrow if we don't experience the same ones yesterday? Well, now you can have BOTH necessities fulfilled by this innovative new summer camp designed by our bleeding-edge child psychologists and social workers! We'd like to introduce CAMP REMEMBRANCE, where we put the STORY back in hiSTORY. They'll have plenty of stories to tell after this one!

Our theme for this year is the First World War, and we at State Og are committed to providing your child with the fullest experience of this horrible conflict. Upon arrival at the grounds, your child will be presented with:

• Two weeks' worth of bully beef rations
• A misfiring rifle
• A bayonet
• 100 rounds of mismatched ammunition

...and that's it! They will relive the sufferings, heroism, agony, and glory of these soldiers as they charge each other's trenches over and over and over and over again through a maze of horrible barbed wire, shell holes, and Mustard Gas. Speaking of trenches, this brings us to the housing. The facilities consist of the following luxurious accommodations:

• Four ditches

As you can see, we at State Og are committed to giving your child the experience of history in its full agony and glory. If you care about the welfare of your child's future, enroll him or her today!

We are not responsible for any injury that may occur during the duration of the camp. We are not insured. Get your own damn health plan, you filthy hobo.

- State Og Representative

– State Og Representative