April 23, 2013

FYI youve been sitting backwards the whole time. the tank of the toilet is for resting your big boobs on when you take a crap.

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) April 22, 2013

How are we supposed to know you have a sense of humor if your t-shirt doesn't feature a funny riff on the Facebook "Like" button?

— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) April 22, 2013

If any of you guys work at Target, I just spilled 15 pounds of dog food and left.

— Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) April 22, 2013

♫ We're up all night to get Kony. ♫

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) April 22, 2013

SOMETIMES YOU WANNA GO / WHERE EVERYBODYS ANIME

— AlmightyBob (@AlmightyBoob) April 22, 2013

BREAKING: Redditors painstakingly reconstructing the Boston Marathon carnage in Minecraft have finally found a possible suspect.

— Dan (@dankmtl) April 22, 2013

Oh, those mad mad men of thrones!!! Gosh I love TV. I'm teen

— Kathy Salerno (@Kpartyawesome) April 22, 2013

there's tons of ways to mine coal, take your pick

— ∴ dataisplural (@dataisplural) April 21, 2013

my sister's dog just pooped in a petco I'm never eating here again

— tim irl (@timmeehan666) April 21, 2013

some girl told me I looked tired today so I told her she looked really pretty like adele

— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) April 21, 2013

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

— HE-BRO or angie (@iamWillemDafoe) April 20, 2013

just got a e-bill. still can't believe i drunkenly got a 3-year membership to play family feud online.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 19, 2013

*one guy on reddit posts his theory* Reddit did it. This was all us, yall. The future of news. *it's proven wrong* uh it was just one guy

— stefan(@boring_as_heck) April 19, 2013

im sorry im not some beuatiful hollywood starlet like shrek, or shrek 2

— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) April 19, 2013

Ppl who tweet porn stars talking about how much they want to fuck them are sadder than ppl following Harrison Ford asking how Chewbacca is

— Moonshine (@DoctorDogballs) April 17, 2013

you won't be leaving the house today Ken my man, no need for one of your "first string" concert t-shirts

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 17, 2013

Damn I was drunk last night, better call a cab so I can go get my car from Curves

— MattyTalks(@mattytalks) April 13, 2013

Missed connection: You farted in the theatre during Patch Adams, when @robinwilliams cried when Carin was murdered. I laughed the loudest.

— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) April 13, 2013

eminem i think this "slim shady" maybe is you. yall at least know each other. whichever of you is saying curses cant hide forever

— DVS(@DVSblast) April 13, 2013

Just boarded flight to Phoenix & someone said: 'Thanks for all the good entertainment over the years.' Entertainment?

— Wolf Blitzer (@wolfblitzer) February 19, 2012

🎶I love to knife-fight, I got to boogie🎶

— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) December 2, 2012

attention new irl people who found my twitter: my tweets are all jokes even though they don't have sarcastic e-card guys next to them.

— nate 'vrunt' lamagna (@vrunt) January 23, 2013

November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone

— jawbroken (@jawbroken) November 7, 2010

Woah, had a dream I eat a huge marshmallow n I woke up n my pillow was gone, I check my dad room n he was fuckin it real damn hard

— Duke LongSumthinElse (@dukelongboard) November 9, 2012

If u didn't sign everyone's yearbooks "imma ball til I fuckin die" then they probably think you stopped balling

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) April 13, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)