September 24, 2013

In the future both unidentified males and females will be referred to as Jayden Doe

— slickhairboy (@Hellaphantitis) September 23, 2013

*eats several sleeves of crackers/sweaters*

— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) September 23, 2013

probably the funniest noises you could hear during a funeral would be an actual donkey bray (eeyore noise), or the sound of dial-up internet

— Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) September 23, 2013

egg land isn't a real country. egglands best is a fucking sham. im shaking. don't buy

— Neon ''Butch' Wario (@neonwario) September 23, 2013

is it wrong to take a crap on the lawn of this best buy in protest that they have grumpy cat merchandise

— meh (@idontlikethings) September 23, 2013

The most insidious prison is the one that needs no locks, no guards, the one where inmates slouch gladly into their cells. #Emmys

— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) September 22, 2013

i bought a pinetree car freshener and it i the worst, most pungent smell. I hate this air freshener and I hate myself for buying it

— Timothy Faust (@crulge) September 22, 2013

There was always that one kid in school who was teased mercilessly about his name... I wonder whatever happened to Kyle Dickinmybutt?

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) September 22, 2013

cant wait to get home and take this fuckin bra off. let my cans fuckin loose man

— deg (@degg) September 22, 2013

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) September 22, 2013

If you have a dream catcher on your rear view mirror I assume you sleep in your car

— Brunette_babe (@AlexIsCool69) September 22, 2013

Just saw Shaq on TV and said out loud "I love Shaq"

— Todney or whatever (@rodney_berry) September 22, 2013

i would really like to formally apologize for being a bad, crude, immature account all these years. i really shit the jacuzzi on this one

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) September 21, 2013

Oh hey, didnt see you there. My name is ishmael. My whole life from the passed to now ive always thought that a whale was cool

— John V (@wettbutt) September 21, 2013

judge: you are sentenced to death for irony. any last words me: Simpsons new seasons are better than old ones [escapes in the ensuing chaos]

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) September 20, 2013

*billions of years from now when the sun consumes the earth* WORLD STARRRRR

— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) September 20, 2013

Take your 60% less salt triscuits and get the fuck out of my house

— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) September 19, 2013

In the moonlight, the hayfields shone like the frosted tips of a youth minister #fall

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) September 18, 2013

Whenever someone ends their email to me with "Cheers" I always wonder how they knew I was drinking

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 17, 2013

I tried to wake & bake earlier but I accidentally shattered my bong on the boat motor

— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) September 16, 2013

People who use the ;-) face scare the shit out of me

— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) September 14, 2013

Become an economist? In THIS economy?!

— Lynn Bixenspan? (@lynnbixenspan) September 14, 2013

Hard hitting investigative reporting on why dog wieners are in the middle of their tummies

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) September 13, 2013

My phone is at 1% and I can only legally drink at this restaurant for 45 more minutes so this is my suicide note.

— amber (@soleilalaplage) September 13, 2013

i put a hot dog in my pants and whipped it out on video and smashed it with a hammer then i watched the video and immediatly deleted it

— Trent (@BurgerDude1488) September 13, 2013

in highschool i ruined my friend's reputation on his favorite gameboy emulator forums by registering an account pretending to be his grandpa

— vrunt (@vrunt) September 13, 2013

wife on delivery room table screaming, husband holding her hand, doctor yelling PUSH, little steaming red hot car drives out of her pussy

— BAKUN (@BAKKOOONN) September 13, 2013

thanks for embarrassing me in front of george lucas by A) repeatedly calling him george lupus and B) asking him about "space incest"

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) September 12, 2013

I went to dennys today and bought the double decker rootin tootin mother fucker for $9.99

— The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) September 12, 2013

Shy construction crew just blushing and kicking at the ground every time a lady walks by

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) September 10, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)