Which Virtual Reality Headset Is Right For You?

There are now more companies making virtual reality kits than there are reasons to use virtual reality.

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to buy a VR headset. I will even accept a free unit from anyone who mistakes me for a legitimate member of the press. Virtual reality will be awesome for several genres in the same way that a crazy flightstick + pedal setup is awesome for flight sims. It's just that so many different kits have been announced that it's difficult to know which one will be right for you.

Let's fix that. I've tossed aside all the minor players. These are the headsets that are most likely to be worth your money, and the qualities that make them different from one another.

Oculus Rift

• Incredible four directional movement tracking. This bad boy will follow your head's movements so long as your head is going left, right, up, or up-left.
• Patented "ChillBlast" technology keeps the surface of your eyeballs at a consistently crisp 2 degrees celsius.
• Thanks to John Carmack's involvement, the headset makes it possible for blind people to see and it also renders all faces as Doom Guy.

Morpheus

• Only works with the PS4. Since it's dedicated to a single platform, it will perform flawlessly with every PS4 game that's suited to virtual reality. Given the number of games we've seen in the two years since the Playstation 4 launch, that means Morpheus will likely give you a thrilling experience in up to three games by 2020. Two of them will be remakes. One of them might actually be pretty good, too!
• The only virtual reality headset capable of staying calibrated after multiple backflips (up to but no more than seventeen in a row).
• The unit's frame is made of a white chocolate alloy.

Valve's VR

• Tracks your physical movements across a fifteen foot by fifteen foot grid of free space, which we all have in our homes. Cutting-edge sensors will even follow you as you bump into coffee table or stumble through an open window, modeling your fall and landing with an advanced ragdoll physics system.
• Comes with an exclusive tech demo. This thrilling experience is set in a fantastical sci-fi world where Valve has customer support.
• Full Steam curator/reviewer integration. Dire opinions and banal proclamations from insufferable blowhards like Total Biscuit will now be beamed directly into your eye, with no way to disable them!

Microsoft HoloLens

• You like the idea of virtual reality, but you don't want virtual reality. You also like the idea of holograms, but you don't want holograms. This is the device for you. Wear the headset and see computer things overlaid onto the real world. Now you get to interact with them. If you're familiar with Microsoft's user interface design, you should know exactly how intuitive and pleasing these interactions will be.
• Bleeding walls can be turned on or off almost at will.
• When you use the HoloLens to look at an Xbox One it can be replaced with an image of something that would be a more welcome sight in your home, such as a serial killer.

 Hotline Miami 2
If, while playing Hotline Miami, you wished the game was needlessly longer, took itself a little too seriously, crashed more often, and frequently prevented you from using weapons, I have just the game for you. 6/10

 Pneuma: Breath of Life
Have these people ever heard of subtlety, originality, or pauses between lines of terrible dialog? 3/10

 ScreamRide
In this realistic simulation of Xbox One ownership, misguided passengers hoot in excitement then sense that something is deeply wrong as they fly off a poorly designed and shoddily built track. 5/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)