Hot Topic: The Ahn'Qiraj War Effort

January 6th, 2005

Salutations Throk!

Never I imagined I would write to you words of unity during my lifetime, but we cannot oppose another and hope to conquer the Slithid at the same time. Throk, it does my heart good to write to you something other than the difficulties we have against you in the Forums, or engaging in our timeless bickering of who ruined the last Kazzak attempt. I understand that we have engaged in conflict over what seems like trivial matters in the past, but now is the time to unite for one common cause: the big fence of Ahn'Qiraj & the Scepter of the Sands.

Let us put behind our tumoltous pasts, of raiding each others orphanages during Children’s Week, or The No-Fly Zone incident that was enacted on all of Kalimdor last June. Together, the Alliance and Horde, must pause the bounties placed upon our mutual scalps and foreskins if we are to make that thing Shiromar told us about. Our guild, The Light’s Shadow Esquire looks forward to working with you and the rest of the Horde might, in hopes of removing the Slithius incursion & saving this world once and for all, to achieve the peace we've strived for. My question to you is, how do you propose we work together in defeating this menace?

Hail Broonan,

It is good to finally see you have admitted defeat, and decide to come begging the Horde for its assistance. I will admit however that our prophecies, long foretold in our Teamspeak channels, did not expect to see the Humans plead so soon! But we lack the hours to speak of your many failures as a race, or to bask in the achievements of ours. So, let us focus on the task at hand - subduing whatever ancient lord Blizzard made up this time.

Our guild Betray And Destroy Mans, tire of our weekly two hour trips to Blackwing Lair, and it would appear that if we are going to boast about being months ahead of you and your shoddily equipped menagerie, we will need your assistance in unlocking the dungeons. So accordingly, I have issued a decree for our legions of soldiers to immediately cease slaying your compatriots, and start collecting the various knick knacks that our Quartermaster deems fitting.

Let us not regret this decision to ally with you, you pathetic husk of an avatar.

January 7th, 2005

Dearest Throk

I’m sorry if my former communication was perceived as a concession speech, it was meant as no such thing. The might of the alliance still continues on to this day, and I am betwixt as to how you are blind to the fury that our war-industry brings. Nonetheless, a cease-fire of sorts would be a splendid soiree! Finally, peace will ring through out the lands, and together we can rid the land of the Slithid, or at least endlessly combat it every week for elaborate spoils and bug weaponry.

I do not suppose you are opposed to a parade in a few days where your guild and ours can walk together, from the Barrens to the Gate itself, and remind all why they too can take pride in our great nations! We can wear matching Tabards, and even carry flowers that symbolize unity!

So far, we have amassed an impressive sum of leather and cloth, but we do see difficulty in procuring the Stranglekelp asked of us. Could we perhaps have access to your waters, in search of the tainted herb?

You Suck Broonan.

There is no need to act as if you are still a formidable opponent to us puny human; we understand that false pride is a necessary part of your pathetic culture. Let me clarify what misconceptions you may have had of us, worm: the Horde didn’t support whatever gay marriage you had with those two dwarves awhile back, and we aren’t going to take part in whatever pride rally you have planned. How about instead of hugging and kissing our field agents, who are toiling endlessly for the Bronze Dragonflight’s favor, you get out in the world and do your part? I understand that the opening of the gates is not a large concern for your pathetic Alliance, seeing as any of you have yet to master the Lair of the Blackwing.

I am curious scumbags: you are aware that the lady leading Stormwind at the moment is in fact the Dragon Onyxia? From last reports from our scouts, she still presides over your Kingdom, conspiring like a total bitch. Perhaps after the gate is unlocked, our guild could spare 20 men and slay her for you - it wouldn’t be that difficult at all for us. Or perhaps you have some befuddling reason for letting her remain in your hallowed halls? As for the Stranglekelp, we are more than willing to allow you to enter the coastline of the Barrens for it. Just don’t go fagging things up with your hippy talk and imaginary friends.

January 8th, 2005

Dear Throk,

There is no need for us to trade the blades and bullets of venomous accusations, and although your intentions were just I do not appreciate your spoiling the Onyxia quest chain line. Although the beast has proved difficult for many of our finest, as soon as the War on AQ has ended I am certain we will succeed in ending her Tyranny, without assistance from your rank. That said, let me assure you that all players from across our kingdom are doing what they can during the prelude to this insurrection.

We just wish, with our heart of hearts, that your posse would share in our merriment. I do have another request to make of you however: we are still a very long way away from our Runecloth Bandage threshold, will you make us privy to what locations you have apparently acquired it at such a fantastic rate?

Shut up already Broonan!

How dare you mock us with feigned stupidity? How can you not have the Runecloth required - we collected 200,000 in mere hours! Do you guys even run instances? Perhaps if you spent more time out collecting flowers and fish like the girls you are, instead of losing to us in Warsong Gulch all the time we would have killed that Anubis looking thing by now. This isn’t a game, Broonan, and frankly we are disappointed in your inability to make sufficient contributions.

This is your last warning - we need you to stop holding tea parties in Booty Bay, start getting serious about Warcraft, and start mining the hell out of Searing Gorge. I didn’t quit my job at Target just so I could waste my unemployment checks talking in Olde English to queers like you.

January 11th, 2005

Throk, anger not!

I am sorry you deem our efforts inexcusable; however I must remind you that many of us actually don’t spend our entire day in the World of Warcraft. A majority of our soldiers have other commitments in their lives, which include going outside for more than 30 minutes a week, and doing the chores before Dad gets home. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your priorities, before accusing us of not having any. Some of us actually don’t spend our days in Azeroth for the next piece of equipment or the next "Server First". We play this great game for the camaraderie, and to take part in the rich mythos that our world has to offer.

Damnit Broonan,

If you are so interested in storylines, then perhaps you would be interested in the tale of how I am going to have every Alliance flight point well staffed by our very own pvp grief teams if you and your carebear brigade don’t start turning in shit. I’m tired of this ren-faire bullshit and other servers are laughing at our piss poor 52% completion.

At this rate we are going to have to hire Chinese Farmers to complete the Alliance quests for us, and chances are they wouldn’t speak in this bullshit fantasy-magick crap. We didn’t roll horde to play patty-cake, so if my guild isn’t in that ancient city by next Wednesday, you will regret it. Start role-playing something with a pair.

January 12th, 2005

Throk the Childish,

Pardon me my less-then-attractive fellow, but we are no longer in any rush to assist Shiromar and her false tides of battle. Thanks to the astute observations of a fan-fiction site that many of our Alliance members partake in, it has come to our attention that perhaps it is best we leave the gates close for the time being, and instead take part in the rest of what Azeroth has to offered. Many of us have never even been to the Stonetalon Mountains, and the monsters are easily killed from what the legend says!

We understand that you and your angry contingent may express dismay in our recent decision, however we do remind you that breaking our cease fire agreement will be punishable according to this world’s Terms of Service and Agreement, under numerous immersion clauses. This is a Role Playing server, after all!

omg that’s it you fags are dead don't ever message me again

January 23rd, 2005

I beseech thee Throk,

It makes my heart heavy to have seen this misunderstanding of ours escalated into the bloodshed I thought was finally over. We are still not certain why the GMs haven’t responded to our numerous petitions to have the 300 of you removed from Ironforge this past week- but maybe you will listen to reason.

Our spies report of your plans to organize similar permanent raid groups upon all of our major cities, until we give into your demands of Thorium and Purple Lotus. This is an unjust war, Throk, and in time you will see the ways of our non-violent protest.

I can’t believe I quit EQ for this bullshit

Could you at least help us with Onyxia like you said before?

I'm selling my account

Another day, another unpaid dollar. Next week, it's "Great Moments of Being a Dick" history. If you are an asshole, or just happened to momentarily be a douchebag and ruin the game for a group of people at one time, send in your story to abraham@somethingawful.com. It doesn't even have to be non-fictional, so feel free to glorify yourself like you've always dreamed.

– Caylen "Abraham" Burroughs