LifeGem, submitted by Jason. At first glance this site seems like just some sort of weird jewelry pruchasing site or something. There are a lot of picrures of smiling people and a lot of pictures of jewels of various colors and sizes.
Oh, isn't that nice? There are pretty jewels and happy people together. Oh look, there's grandpa. They look really happy. Maybe I should read abo--WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING CHRIST DO THESE PEOPLE DO!?
A LifeGem is a certified, high quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique and wonderful life.
Simply put, we have discovered how to capture the carbon that was always present, and until now, lost during cremation. Once captured, this carbon is placed in one of our unique diamond presses replicating the awesome forces of nature – heat and pressure. A diamond that takes millions of years to occur naturally can now be created from the carbon of your loved one in a matter of weeks.
Oh good. You'll make me a pretty diamond out of my loved one's corpse. Finally the thin scrim that hides people turning death into profit will be ripped aside and you can just flat-out turn a dead d00d into diamonds for all the world to see. How did they know that this service was needed!?
I had to look all over the place on their maze of a site but finally I gleaned that it costs $4,000 to $22,000 to do this. Average cost of a funeral is rumored to be $5,000 or so. I guess you'd really have to love someone a lot to make them into apiece of smashed carbon for that much money, alright.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
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