hEy ItS aBoUt Me

hEy ItS aBoUt Me, submitted by Louis. Since I started writing for Something Awful, I've had to deal with dumb on a fairly regular basis. I'm talking about dumb as a concept, here. This particular site is like if stupid threw up on a keyboard. I knew it was bad news when the link was to an aol member page, but reading the text on this site was a bold new step into the realm of dumbassery. Ashley, a seventeen-year-old waste of oxygen, discusses the intricacies of her life, her friends, her obsession with Freddie Prinze, Jr. and other fascinating topics. She seems almost to flaunt her second grade spelling and haphazard punctuation. Here's a taste.

...I am 5'5, brown eyes but maybe you can handle these because I'm free, single, sexy, and sweet! hehe It's true! haha I am Italian too!I am not conceited but when alot of guys tell you, you are hot what do you expect? jk I like to be really loud! I dont know why I guess I just love the attention it brings...I dunno! well anyway...I have the best friends in the world! They are sooo cool! Oh yeah and I really hate when ppl think they are better than other ppl because they aren't you know what I mean? How can they be??? I guess they could be in a way...but then everyone would be better than everyone else in a different way so really no one is better than anyone...you know? "For all of you who talk about me, thank you for making me the center of your world." ok...just thought i should say that...alright I think I am done talking about myself...haha Oh yeah I love Freddie Prinze Jr. He is really sexy and yeah I love him! hehe I also like to chill with my friends, go to kegs, parties, megans house where all the fun is...lol...and I love to check out HOTT GUYS!!!

As the designated Something Awful Representative for Hott Guys, I think I can safely say that none of us will ever leave the house without wearing a minimum of a hazmat suit. We will also be keeping our distance from "megans house." This garbage basically speaks for itself. I could write a thesis on the problems with the last sentence alone, but the hard part would be figuring out where one sentence ends and the next begins. Since all punctuation marks are either exclamation points or question marks, I'm inclined to ignore them altogether. This is webgrrl idiocy raised to a criminal level. Here's further proof:

I dunno...is like one of my favorite quotes...and I dunno why I say that alot but I do and it might be because I really don't know but no one ever wants to believe me...and guys hate when a girl says I dunno so...take my advice and don't say it...alrighty then I think you have learned enough from me! hehe I am kind of shy...I don't mean to be but I am...only around HOTT guys!!!! hehe But once you get to know me...you can't get me to shut up! haha I will soon get over my fear...of what? I dunno! But...That's ME!!!

Every time some moronic teenybopper spews out tripe like this, a competent writer bursts into flames. Me, I'm still smoldering, and I'm only half-competent. Note how "HOTT" is all caps, and that "sentence" ends with four exclamation points. Then comes "hehe," in which nothing is capitalized, followed by no punctuation, then a capitalized "But." No matter what justification you try to use for that, the result is the same: the rules of grammar are shrieking. As much as there is to loathe about this page, my favorite is the poem at the end, which she takes full credit for. Being the dedicated journalist that I am, I did a little search for that particular group poem. Apparently Ashley used to write for Doris Day. Or maybe she's just the result of a few chromosomes that were never meant to meet. If you need further persuasion, by all means mosey on over and give it a look-see.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt