Marissa Marchant

Marissa Marchant, submitted by Booberry. Remember that girl back in high school who always wanted to be a musician, but couldn't shut up about how much she hated the music industry? Remember how she was always plunking out annoying melodies on the school piano that all inevitably turned into "Imagine?" Remember when she was wandering around that secret government testing facility and was accidentally struck by a massive amount of gamma radiation which increased her powers of annoyance a thousandfold? Well she changed her name to Marissa Marchant, and now you can hate her all over again!

Marissa is mostly spending time recording, but will perform for an appreciative audience, who realizes the value of art, not commericalism. Marissa enjoys using ethereal-type voicings and unusual chordal structures on both the piano and guitar. Her voice is a very strong part of her musical expression.

Don't you just want to slap her already? No? Well, how about this:

4 album set available for $2000.00 and $1000.00 for one cd. This is how much music should be worth, if there is talent there. They are cheapening music and talent, by selling it like it is fried chicken at kfc. I am not one dimentional. I am a singer, arranger, producer, and multi instruemntalist.

She's also a highly creative speller. So, she's selling a four disc set for two grand, which is a bargain since her CDs are supposedly a thousand apiece. of course, only one CD is actually done, but that's okay. After all, she assures us that our money will be well worth it, since "nothing imperfect will be on my cds." It's an interesting claim for her to make. For instance, you can check out a number of her mp3s by downloading them from her site, but why don't you take a look at "Green Tea," the song which she claims is done. And if you take "done" to mean "an endless stretch of screeching and caterwauling that sounds like Tori Amos being slowly crushed to death by a steamroller," then you and Marissa will be in complete agreement!

With songs that are unbearably bad and a generally shitty attitude toward most of humanity, and assuming that humanity is her target audience, it's easy to see why Marissa is so successful. She's a marketing whiz. I mean, if a CD costs a thousand dollars, why, it must be good! There's no way it's a load of pretentious horseshit! This is a talented woman bearing her soul, here. And she's so expressive, too. I mean, just take a look at one of her poems.

Intermittent Slob

dirt, dirt, more dirt, clean it with your spit and skirt

cotton balls, towels on walls... messiness alert

this intermittent slobby side has come to be my battle

when all is scrubbed and sweeky clean, come heards of bull and cattle

I've blamed the bulls, tornado, wolves, some nuclear explosion

but I know best, my inner quest, to conquer this in motion.

Yup. I'm sure those CDs just sell like hotcakes! Which would explain why Marissa also provides a way for you, a citizen who is strongly concerned about the state of the independent music scene, to give her donations. And hey, for a donation of a measly hundred bucks, she'll even send you a free CD! That's right, if you're that desperate for her music and downloading the plethora of mp3s she has available doesn't do it for you, you can donate a hundred dollars instead of paying a thousand dollars through the order page and get the same damn thing! Whoopee! So now you're only paying one hundred dollars for music you'd never want. Man, this Marissa Marchant is really cutting you a deal on that one.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "How can I get Marissa Marchant to play at a venue near me?" Well, first you'll need to hand pick the audience, but then it's easy as pie!

The music industry, the only culture that they have is bacteria. People are lining up to go to dunkin donuts. People have no idea what quality is. Just because someone is famous, doesn't mean that it is quality. Mc.donolds is famous. People don't value quality. I sell my music at a high price because of my quality of talent., and hard work. Because they show disrespect to artists in the world right now, I am only performing for 50 thousand dollars. No joke. They are losing billions of dollars, selling untalented people. They have laid off thousands of people. The majors have no talent on their rosters. If they were "very" talented, they would be able to sell a billion copies world-wide. There are six billion people in the world. I whip them good. There isn't anyone as talented as I am in that biz.

Only fifty thousand for a the single most talented woman in the world? What a bargain! I'm going to get out my checkbook right now! No, I'm not going to write her a check. I'm going to try to give myself paper cuts until I bleed to death.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt