The Ultra League - Keeping Humanity Safe Since 2002, submitted by Afroman. If it weren't for the always alert watchdog groups such as "The Ultra League," our world would probably start falling apart and global chaos would poison the streets like an overturned tanker of toxic waste. You can be sure that "The Ultra League" is here to keep us safe and protect our society from such villainous entities as Arista Records and Coca-Cola, while exposing Jared Fogle as "Those Among Us Whom No One Likes." Poor Jared, I imagine being the target of an "Ultra League" hate list would lead a weaker man to suicide. I suppose that's all for the benefit of our society however, so for that I must thank "The Ultra League" for such a crucial service, although I am not exactly sure what it may be.

The Ultra League is NOT a terrorist group, and is NOT a violence or drug-related gang, but a group that is willing to take on any obstacle or problem that comes its way, and that undertakes large projects that are completed to improve upon the League's power, knowledge, wealth, and members. All T U L members follow certain guidelines and rules, and the use of illegal drugs, and the act of unneccesary violence are strictly prohibited. If you need help, you come to us, we will see what we can do.

Well that certainly clears up what their main goals and objectives are; I think they're like some sort of Internet A-Team composed entirely of crippled "Howling Mad" Murdochs. Now let's take a look at their leader, a mysterious figure known as "Kid Robusto" who somehow managed to achieve the rank of "Command Master" despite that not really being a legitimate rank.

Code Name: Kid Robusto

Real Name: Roger

Rank: Command Master

Quote/Motto: "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for WHITE children."

Oh gosh Command Master Roger, we certainly do need to secure the existence of our people and a future for all the nice WHITE children, and I'm sure the only way to accomplish this is by writing two paragraphs about why you loathe Abercrombie and Fitch in neon green text. Other famous "Ultra League" members include "Chode," "Fat Brown Boy," and "Miss Piggle Wiggle," so you can obviously tell that this is one very professional and organized group of selfless martyrs. One of Command Master Roger's main complaints about Abercrombie and Fitch is that, and I quote him here, their establishment "openly supports racism." So are we talking about the wrong kind of racism then, racism which doesn't favor the WHITE children? Perhaps racism that keeps jobs away from innocent, god-fearing white Christians and instead awards them to unqualified black people or gophers? This site also comes complete with a wonderful collection of cliched animated gifs, videos that don't function properly (if at all), and a nonstop series of pop-up messages letting you know that their stack has overflowed at line 0. I bet those creeps at Coca-Cola caused their stack to overflow. Those bastards are trying to tear us apart! Save us, "Ultra League," you are our only hope!

PS: They have a guestbook you can sign, and they also have a forum you can post in. Feel free to ask them what next putrid product or service they plan to protest! Also nice "my first mustache" there, Che Guevara.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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