Pee Products!

Some call me the Piss Man. Others call me the Yellow Streak. But really, I'm just an ordinary guy with simple, basic needs. I drink 2-4 gallons of water a day like everyone else, and my kidneys teeter on the edge of failure as I blast load after load of hot lemonade from my bladder, just like your father, your sister, or your neighbor down the street. But enough about me. You're here to get products for YOU, and I can give you a start in your new life as Piss Prince or Piss Princess with these wonderful items. Can you be Piss King? Or Piss Queen? Probably not. There's a lot of competition out there.

Before you're ready to start filling buckets with gallons of warm tap water, you've got to commit to the lifestyle. That's my buddy Calvin up there, and he's our Piss Mascot. Been our mascot since the '90s, in fact. You might've seen a hundred pickups with Calvin pissing on the back, and thought those truckowners were trying to tell you something about Ford, or Chevy, or Obama, or Nintendo. Nope. Doesn't matter what he's peeing on. You see someone with a Calvin, they're a pisser like me. Hell, they're probably racing home so they don't yellow up their car seats. It's our Christian fish, our Batman signal for the night sky. We see Calvin and we know we're among friends. So show some pride in piss culture and slap Calvin on your toilet so everyone knows you're officially part of the urine brotherhood.

Don't be fooled by this faker. He may claim to live the piss lifestyle, but he doesn't know the first thing. It's not about the quality of your piss. It's a quantity deal. I don't carry around this bucket so I can spray a delicate lavender-and-vanilla aerosol onto a perfect little pillow. It's about ounces, pints, and gallons.

Now this is what what I'm talkin' about. Get your piss on, boy. That nice brown color... lots of protein. You don't have to drink whiskey to get your drink pissed up, either. Drop a Crystal Light packet in that thing and you've got a real Flavor Experience. Wedge a K-cup down in there. I call that a cold-brew.

Once you get into this lifestyle, there's no turning back, so I'd recommend you get a sturdy piss sheath to protect your penis. Something like this, with a hose coming out of it. "I already have a piss sheath, and it's called my own regular skin penis," you might say, but that's amateur talk. Get the black rubber piss sheath now. Thank me later, once you see what a difference it makes.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)