Put out my what? My cigarette? Hahah! Not a cigarette, my friend. This here's an e-vape. That's short for electronic vape. It's a little plastic dick that puts nicotine steam in my mouth when I suck it. Not smoke. Just steam. You can drink coffee inside, and that makes steam, so you can also suck this little electronic dick inside. Think about it like that. It's like coffee steam, with a dick-sucking delivery system.

Ex... Excuse me? Good sir, I just explained - Take your hands off me! You're going to ruin my wooden tie! I paid good Bitcoins for this tie, and I'll be damned if you mess up the finish. I probably should have worn my wooden bow-tie, based on what my favorite men's fashion subreddit has to say about matching your neckwear with your T-shirt, but regardless, it's not your wood to -

- HEY! - As I was saying, it's not your wood to mess up! Read the shirt, jock-tard! It doesn't say keep angry and vape on. It says keep calm. Fairly classic meme. But it doesn't matter. I'm leaving. You win this one, if you consider being unenlightened about vape tech to be a win. Which you probably would.

Phew. I don't think my vape broke when that ruffian was manhandling me. Just gotta refill it with some of my Mountain Dew Vape Flavor to get the lemon-lime taste I love. There we go. Pfffff...... oh, yeah. I'm refreshed like a web page. Now to take my Segway back home and vape in peace.

There you go, lil' vapey dick. Back in your steampunk vape holder, the perfect combination of high tech with high fashion. I'm feeling euphoric, now, again. Not because of some corporate cancer stick, scientifically designed to send shards of asbestos and chlorine into my lungs. Euphoric because I can unchain myself from Big Tobacco and enjoy the nicotine molecule as it was intended: chemically extracted, suspended in Mountain Dew-flavored glycol, and huffed out of a blue, glowing steamdick.

Forget what you heard about Vape Mania... the real mania is when I roll down the street, Segway creeping beneath me, vape dangling loosely from my jaw. Euphoric, and enlightened. I am Vape Man.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)

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