Toilet Products!

What could be simpler than visiting the ol' tile-room and dropping a sausage? Not much... which is why we need these products to complicate the process! The hand of the free market doesn't care if it gets a little butt-buttery as long as it can extract some dollars from your pocket while it's in there.

Take Sudoku Toilet Paper, for example. Does it make sense to wipe your ass on blank Sudoku puzzles? Nope. Does it make sense to write with a pen on flimsy, one-ply toilet paper? Nope. Does it make sense to painstakingly finish the Sudoku without poking your pen through the paper and then wipe your ass with Bic pen ink, leaving blue streaks on your cheeks? Obviously not.

Okay, so we've ruled out Sudoku paper, but now what are you going to use? Hundred dollar bills? Of course not. Go with something slightly cheaper, like this $24 pack of black toilet paper. It's like when you're wearing black and the waiter brings you a black napkin. It's just more formal.

But you don't want your bathroom to be too formal, or visitors might get performance anxiety. So you could balance out your classy black ass-napkin with a Singing Toilet Paper Holder that performs "Santa Clause Is Coming To Town" (sic), presumably to be followed by "Misplaced Participle Bells" and "Dangling Modifier For Christmas." If you're wondering if this is still somehow a joyous piece of merchandise, check out the 50+ 1-star customer reviews: "It product is very bad. I don't like is bad."

Some of your guests will probably want to silence your singing toilet-paper holder once and for all, which is why it's only polite to provide them with a toilet brush that's also a gun. In some parts of the USA, this would be considered more formal than a plain plastic toilet brush. It's also more patriotic, and god dammit, if you don't like it, you can leave the damn place. It matches the toilet plunger shaped like a shotgun. And after your guest tosses the singing TP holder up into the air and skeet-shoots it from your back doorstep, you can replace it with the matching gun-based toilet paper holder.

You can't give children guns, though, which is why you've got to buy them something safer, and more friendly. Like an inflatable toilet-seat! Children can learn the valuable lesson that your friends are there to support you, and smile, and then you shit into their mouths.

But the ultimate, best, most useful toilet accessory is PP Shots, the photo holder that mounts inside your toilet bowl, allowing you to urinate on the picture of your choice. Maybe you can put a world leader on it! Maybe you can print out a Google Images search result for a car you don't like. Or maybe you can flatten some flowers and grass, allowing you to have a more natural experience in your porcelain sanctuary. The world is yours to piss on.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)