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FluffieDuckie

The service here is awful. No one greeted us when we arrived, we never got menus and no one even offered us water. We finally left hungry and angry

0 stars Don't waste your time

alnilam

bad place to be thirsty

i got really thirsty so i asked for some water - first of all, HELLO, you are required by LAW to provide water to thirsty patrons!. Someone pointed me towards the water, and it wasn't even in a cup?? But it gets worse. I tried to drink some and it was the worse water I've ever tasted - even worse than my nana's well water (ha!). Somehow I got even more thirsty drinking it??!

Jimi Changa

VERY DISAPPOINTED!!!

On 07/13/15 at approximately 12:30 I took my wife and 3 month old son to your "establishment". First of all, my wife is very sensitive to noise and within 10 minutes of being there started experiencing migraine symptoms. We looked all over for staff to see if they could do anything about the laughter, music splashing noises, etc. but couldnt find even ONE person to help us!

Warning flags were already going off at this point but all of our friends recommended this place so we were willing to give it a chance...fast forward 2 hours later, my infant son starts crying and so we check on him and HE HAS A BURN ALL OVER HIS FACE. I've never seen such irresponsible management in my life. What kind of "family-friendly environment" has a ball of flaming, child-burning gas hanging directly overhead? I'll be telling all my family-oriented colleagues to leave this location OFF their summer to-do list. The hot dogs were pretty good though. 0/5

Qwerinty

I have spent years moving each grain of sand individually to ensure the beach is totally uniform and smooth. I count the sand to make sure it's all accounted for. Every summer, I have to start over, because of People and frankly I'm sick of it. But what can you do, I love what I do. No, I don't work at the beach, what kind of stupid question is that.

74,824,934,100 grains of sand out of 4,295,721,194,048,155.4

Ace of Baes

TOO BRIGHT

Ok, first off this place is way too bright, the glare made it so I couldn't even play Pokemon XYZ on my nintendo 3DSXL. Secondly it's hot, way too hot, I got really sweaty and my arm pit hair started chafing. And finally it's loud, these white birds kept squawking and pooping everywhere. 1/5

Thingyman

this beach has an over abundance of male nipples. it has wonderful, clean sand. the water is clean and has just the right amount of choppiness. the atmosphere is fun. but its like....alright dude we get it...you have nipples. put a damn shirt on.

Jimi Changa

Next best thing to a Vegas vacation!

Can't make it to sin City this year, so I'm doing the beach instead. If You stay on the dirty side of the beach near the train tracks where the hobos pee and make sure to keep your back turned to the ocean and drink a lot of tequila and also set all your money on fire it's almost like the real thing, or at least Reno. 4/5

Detective Thompson

Life's a beach, then you die!

Heard about this watery monstrosity from a colleague at work. He claimed it was the perfect spot for beating the summer heat. Yeah right, Carlos! Beat the summer heat?! More like be the summer heat! There's no shelter here whatsoever to keep you out of the hellish sun. I suppose I should be clear and say there was one place where you could go to escape the nightmare gas orb, but it was some sort of public urination hovel and the floor was wet and sandy and it smelled just awful.

Anyway, I'll step back a bit. The wife and I got up around ten the morning of the fifth, took a leisurely stroll around Humungous Palms, our lovely private community, then left, nodding goodbye to Franklin, our jovial day shift gatekeeper. We stopped in at Puggos for brunch and a 'tini or two (I know, booze before noon, we're bad!), then set out to find this "wonderful" beach. Well, first off, the parking was terrible. We thought this was a good sign, as the best spots are always the most crowded. Turns out we should have taken it as an ill omen.

There were several private lots, mostly full, but we managed to find one charging $40 for two hours. We surmised the high prices would ensure more open spaces, as well as a fellow clientele more to our liking. We were right, as there was plenty of room for the Hummer, plus we met a nice couple from Omaha just pulling in their Maserati. We talked Reagan and beef for the few miles as we walked toward the beach, but somehow we ended up separated in the throngs of sweaty, coconut-scented people. Oh well, we thought, we'd surely run into them again. Finally, we made it to the beach.

Good lord! To our initial fright, the place was packed to the gills with mostly-nude people, either frolicking like Europeans in the water, or laid out in various lascivious yet somehow alluring positions on the ground, evidently soaking in the rays of the beastly sun. People like that, apparently!

Upon first stepping on the beach, my wife was severely distressed by the surface. The loose sand was hard to walk on, and I had to do my best to keep her from falling over (Cordelia is quite delicate). We soon realized we were woefully overdressed. Expecting a refined, classy experience, I had worn my favorite dockers, along with a Pierre Gallia sport coat and ascot, topping the whole thing off with a classic captain's hat. Heck, I had driven out to the marina to get it off my yacht (good old Lady of the Wet)! My wife had worn her best ermine wrap over a simple black dress, along with the high heels she had got on sale at Nordstrom for $579. She does love a good bargain!

Before too long, we were sweating like Pablo and his gang doing our yard work, so we sought out some sort of shelter. That was when I first encountered the aforementioned public urination hovel. Fleeing from that abysmal location as quick as we could, we determined that, if we could not escape the heat, we could at least try to escape the noisome crowds. Cordelia was beginning to get the stirs, a condition brought on by excesses of noise. We walked for quite some time, past screaming child after screaming child, lewdly dressed teenage girls in their revealing underclothes, so supple, past oiled musclemen and corpulent beasts alike. Finally, we spotted a promising locale, and made for it.

The cove was truly wondrous, the sort of place we were expecting at first. Cool, sheltered, somehow devoid of others, we took a chance and sat directly upon the rocks themselves, and it was heavenly. At first. As we sat and chatted, my wife suddenly froze, a look of terror upon her face. "What is it, sweet meat?" I asked. She raised a palsied hand, pointing behind me. Slowly I turned, afraid of what I'd see.

There it was. The most abominable creature I had ever laid eyes on. Though it was quite small, barely bigger than my own hand I would estimate, it was unbelievably fearsome. How can I describe such a creature? A writer would feel the urge to be purple in his prose, but I think a bare description would best serve the demon. Six legs, an ovoid body, black, beady eyes, the whole wretched thing covered with such armor that a Medieval knight would be jealous. And worst of all, its hands. Its hands! And hands they were not, no, but horrible things such as I have never seen, terrible, pinching things that could surely rips a man's limbs from his body! The horror!

As you can imagine, we tried to remain as still as possible, not wanting to draw the thing's attention. But my wife, my poor, fragile wife, could not help herself when the animal took a step forward. She shrieked, like an Irish Banshee. The beast lifted its murderous grabbers at us and Cordelia ran! For a moment I was stuck in terror, but my manly instincts kicked in and I rose, chasing after her. I saw her for a brief moment, but she quickly became lost in the masses. I searched and searched, asking people if they had seen her. They were no help, alas, and I was forced to contact the constabulary. They assured me they would do their best to find her, and sent several of their men out. To their credit, they searched for hours while I took refuge in a local wine shop, too overwhelmed by the situation to be any help in a search and rescue situation. Even as the evil sun sank into the ocean itself, and glass after glass of pinot sunk into me, they just kept looking, their lights sweeping over and over the beach, this now-unbearable location.

That was a week ago. Cordelia seems to be lost for good. If she still lives, I hope she is happy wherever she might be. If she has perished, an outcome the constabulary assured me as most likely, then I hope it was not painful for her delicate soul, and that she's in a better place now.

Also, the Hummer was broken into and the lot's landlord had the gall to charge me the full $240! Outrageous!

This is the last time I listen to the man that empties my office trashcan.

Parking: Awful
Atmosphere: Very hot and uncomfortable
Location: Nicely situated but terrible nonetheless
Amenities: None
Wine shop: Surprisingly delightful if not a little understocked
Dining: Only fit for pigs
Wife: Lost

One star out of eleven.

Jimi Changa

A lot cooler 10 years ago

starts out strong with lots of sand, waves, promises of fun. begins to feel a little derivative by the middle of the day, and by night you realize its just the same tired top of the pops shit that everybody else is into. yawn. 2/5

Shame on the proprietors of this destination! Thanks to these revealing write-ups, which were compiled and posted on the SA Forums, our readers will know to beware your overrated beach.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller