My friend was drunk an sleeping in my house. He farted, said "murderers" in an evil voice, farted again, stirred and then went silent again in his sleep

Her: Stop it.
Me (waking up): Stop what?
Her: Stop stacking cases.
Me: What cases? I was asleep.
Her: Stop stacking cello cases.
Me: Are you asleep?
Her: It's the cheeky chezzer in the corner!
Me: What?
Her (in a spooky voice): He's smiling at you.
Me: Oh.

And the other day when I had to leave the room because she was talking so much in her sleep.

Her: Turn the lights on.
Me: Why?
Her: The Mexican hands!

A mate also said this in his sleep to his lady friend.
"Just because I've got a shitty finger, doesn't make me a bad man."

A friend of mine once stood up and said quite loudly "There is no way there is that much money in the world!!" and then promptly got back down and continued sleeping. The rest of us did a simultaneous psyduck.

This same friend, on another night, began to crawl towards a couch muttering "I must get to Thailand!" He pulled himself up onto the couch and once again continued sleeping like nothing happened. He never has any sort of recollection of these events and usually doesn't believe that they happened.

I have a friend who would talk in his sleep all the time. Most of the time I couldn't make out what was being said but whenever I did it was hilarious.

"No Dad, you can't eat fifteen plums in one day"

or after we watched Brotherhood of the Wolf he had fallen asleep and sat straight up and yelled "The Beast!...That sucks" and laid back down.

Apparently, my dad tried to wake me up at 5 in the morning for school one day. I uttered this:

"It speaks about the cat negatively."

And then I just smashed the fuck out of a lamp with my hand and went back to sleep.

That brings this edition of the Comedy Goldmine to a close. Thanks again to the forum goons for their efforts. Next week we'll be giving you a glimpse at the hottest springtime looks, as well as taking a peek into the life of Jennifer Lopez, followed by providing the top 10 bedroom tips to drive any man wild.

Thanks must also go out to Tekky "Jumpman16" Andrew-Jaja for giving up a lot of time and effort to do the Comedy Goldmine over the past year. We should all be very grateful to the man who brought Atomo's Silly Baby to the masses for the first time. Thanks for the memories, Jumpman16! Finally here is a dog who really really wants some hot sauce.

– Craig "Russ" Russell

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful