Stealth Toilet Tactics!

Trochanter

Poisoning the well

Remove the lid of the toilet tank; this may prove difficult if there is a bunch of doilies/magazines on top.

Relieve yourself in the tank. The high walls of the tank and proximity to the pelvic area greatly lessen the chances of urinating on the floor. Moreover, the styrofoam will keep it quiet.

Frank Horrigan

The Slater is an effective and way to steathily relieve yourself when people are trying to hear you empty your bladder.

Tony Homo

Didn't we agree you would have to remove your pants and underwear to piss like this? That is way too much trouble.

Frank Horrigan

Pee spies will wait as long as they have to in order to hear you pee. Peeing in total comfort while also thwarting piss-listeners is worth the effort.

ScrotoTurboSperg

Make sure you lock the door otherwise theres a nonzero chance that you'll be known as the guy who tried to have sex with a toilet.

a large trout

I like to bring a nice dinner plate with me so I can perform the Trickle Down

Wootman

what if i take massive logs that make loud splashing noises? how do i stealth shit properly i feel this is important.

I am Toni Lippi

If you don't have a wooden spoon on you to catch the shit so you can gently place it in the bowl. I don't even want to know you.

I am Toni Lippi

Here's another tip, find the bowl that has a shit already in it and stealth pee on the log.