Surviving a Hurricane

Step Three: Stock Up On Supplies

Monkeys make just about everything better. Well, except for a monkey overpopulation problem.In the event that the hurricane lives up to its destructive reputation you need to be prepared for days without power, running water, or many of the other amenities you have come to expect from that dilapidated shithole you call a house. Other storm survival experts will waste your time telling you to buy stupid crap like canned tuna, hand cranked radios, and flashlights. I'm not going to insult your intelligence by repeating all that here, you fucking know that baby's gotta eat so you're damn well going to go buy baby food even if I sit here and tell you that during disasters babies eat rocks and fire. Instead, I'm going to direct my insight towards the realm of entertainment, because you can only spend so much time in a day sifting through the rubble that once was your livelihood. At night you'll want to kick back and relax, but without power that leaves you with a hand cranked radio and the Emergency Broadcast System for your entertainment.

Unless you come prepared that is. Take some time from stocking up on supplies and frantically running around screaming about the "end of all things" and get a look at this list of post-disaster entertainment options.

Back in the 1800s people used to sit around and talk for hours. You can try that if you're really desperate, but honestly after TV, the Internet, and ShavedSamoanGrannies.com you're not going to find a whole lot worth talking about with the dullards around you.

One of the largest forms of entertainment prior to the invention of radio was the organ grinder. Most pet importers can supply you with a trained monkey and monkeys eat basically the same things as people so you should be set for caring for it after the hurricane. If not monkeys come from the jungle and can probably forage for food among the corpses drifting around your waterlogged town. As for the organ part, you can fashion a passable accordion from the bones and flesh of your fallen foes.

Hey Arthur Miller, how about finishing up that play you've been writing? You know the one about the retard who built his house in the Florida Keys and then refused to leave when there was a mandatory evacuation.

If you're Jewish you can always turn to the ever amusing Dreidel for entertainment. Look at it go, will it ever stop spinning!? For people of other faiths you can just try throwing a knife up into the air and catching it. It's dangerous and not as fun as a Dreidel, but…whoah…gotta go, that fucking thing just started spinning again. Woooooo!

Two words: Hand Puppets. If you're not particularly creative you can probably track down some drowned animals that you can prop up behind an overturned car and act out scenes from hit TV show "Wings". Oh, Antonio, will your rot swollen antics ever stop?!

Those should help pass the time, and if you run out of options there's always good old "counting out loud to a million" to fall back on. Have fun with that.

Step Four: After the Storm

This guy has the right idea.If the Mad Max series has taught me one thing it's that the aftermath of a hurricane will be a dry and sun-baked hellish desert populated with violent bands of thugs driving improvised or modified cars. Your options following a hurricane are simple; be a victim or become one of them. You've disassembled your car and moved it piece by piece into the cellar like common sense would dictate, right? Good, then you're halfway there to becoming the defacto leader of a clan of bloodthirsty nomads prepared to pave a path of destruction through the wastelands of New America. Once you've gotten your car out of your cellar and reassembled you should immediately begin modifying it for the post-apocalyptic nightmare that awaits your iron-fisted leadership.

Start by gluing spikes everywhere. The number of spikes and ramming devices welded, glued, or tied to your vehicle are a direct representation of your power. If you just duct tape a spear to the front of your Honda Civic you're going to be lucky if you attract that 80 year old woman who lived three doors down into your gang of scum. After you've got your car adequately spiked up a notch you should probably paint several slogans and a cool symbol for your new gang onto the car. Symbols that are really awesome include a skull, eagle, and some sort of claw or sword. Symbols that are not awesome include, but are not limited to, a top hat, a pair of ballet shoes, the drama masks, a comical mouse, and a burrito. You may think painting a red skull on the hood of your car is a little clichéd, but try showing up to a car joust against Slasher the Blood Taker with a pony stenciled on your Civic.

You're going to want to do something about those love handles and that five o'clock shadow too. No, not shave and lose weight, you're going to wait to put on a leather jacket with no shirt and cover your clothing in as many spikes as you have on your car. Then you're going to want to either shave your head or, even better, cut it into a mohawk. Finally you're going to want to wear a mask of some sort. If you can't find a mask that is suitably intimidating then place a metal pot over your head and beat your face into a countertop until the pot conforms to the contours of your facial features. It will hurt, but the metal head look can pay dividends for the rest of your life. The metal headed badass look, plus the right gang symbol and the appropriate number of car spikes will win you a huge band of cutthroat followers.