The 2007 Holiday Skymall Strategy Guide, Part 4

Toilet Lock - $16.99

Spring-loaded lock helps keep curious children, toys, pets and hands out of the toilet! Lock automatically resets on the lid when you lower it. Easy-clean plastic construction. (Skymall)

P: The toilet control lobby has been pushing for this for years.

N: Did you know that when you have a toilet in your home, you're 80% more likely to use it on a member of your family than on an intruder? It's sobering facts like that which have mandated the widespread use of toilet safety devices.

P: "When toilets are outlawed, only outlaws use toilets." I see a terrible 30-second TV spot of Charlton Heston taking a huge dump, bent over, grasping the toilet, saying, "Not till you take it from my cold, dead hands." That's a good 26 seconds of straight pooping.

N: It's those "curious hands" of his that shitguards like this are trying to keep out of there to begin with. Unless you have a pneumatic security device, your toilet will soon be filled with parakeets, goldfish, and happily gurgling neighborhood children.

P: Whose responsibility is toilet training? Perhaps including it in high school civics classes would help alleviate society's irrational fear of johns -- putting the Constitution back in the constitutional. Counties where every household is required to have a toilet have experienced a significant drop in outdoor defecation. There is, however, no denying we live in a society that glorifies toilets. Look at the shag.

N: No force on Earth could compel me to put what is essentially a carpeted piss-sponge on my toilet seat. They're just like thirsty little Shirley Mansons, sopping up every spare drop of urea they can. Wait, I'm unclear about something here. Is this lock used to keep things out of toilets, or keep things in?

P: Did some older kid on the bus call you a "turdburglar" after you had coincidentally stolen shit? Your knowledge of celebrity piss-drinking is rivaled only by your ignorance of homophobic slang.

N: Look, as far as I know, the suffix "-burglar" refers to someone who steals the prefix. Logic dictates a turdburglar is someone who burgles turds.

P: Yeah, like the Hamburglar who steals hams and catburglars who steal cats. I don't see why anyone who cares about shit wouldn't be able to buy this. Unloading is the closest experience a guy can have to childbirth. I guess the market is concerned shitters and law enforcement.

N: This is a child safety device, then. Something a man can use to protect his little brown babies from turdburglars. Or, y'know, turdnappers.

P: I hate it when people fall asleep in my shit.

N: There has to be some rational use for a toilet lock. It could be used to un-potty train your kids before they go to summer camp.

P: Maybe it's for when you ride your toilet to class and you're worried someone might take it.

– P. Jordan Dimebag and Nick Arizona (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)