Ilsa - She Wolf of the SS - Part One

Oh ja, Herr General! Meanwhile, back in Ilsa's lair, grandma sassy pants is on the phone with an SS general who wants to come inspect the facility. While her portly and slightly creepy assistant ambles around in the background Ilsa tries to explain that an inspection will disrupt the smooth operation of her vagina shaving teams. During the course of her conversation with the general she says the phrase "Herr General" (pronounced "Hair Guhenarale") about fifty times. She also mentions some "private research" that the general will find interesting. This is painful foreshadowing of the urination scene to come.

Come to think of it, they mention "labor" several times in the movie but I'm pretty hard pressed to come up with any details on what that entails. During the few exterior shots of the camp the only work they ever show anyone doing is this same dark haired guy in rags walking back and forth with an empty wheelbarrow. In fact he's doing exactly that when another truck arrives in the camp, this time hauling a load of four new male prisoners, one of whom is a lanky fair-haired American who I will refer to as Stilts. This guy has legs that extend to his sternum, a look that isn't exactly flattered by the vertically striped filthy clown pants he's wearing. Obviously, Ilsa takes a particular interest in Stilts and his Aryan appearance allowing us to learn that he was an American studying in Germany when "war were declared". When Ilsa later insults his penis size during your usual Nazi cock-lineup, Stilts fires back "size is not everything commandant". Oh, you burned the evil Nazi with your wit Stilts, way to go!

The Nazis can't even cut through red tape in a sex-torture hospital. Let's talk about one of the worst "shock" moment setups in any movie ever. When the women first enter their bunk house they are introduced to two inmates who are sitting on their beds. The woman who does the talking faces away from the camera and the other inmates, staring at the wall. This is probably the most obvious setup for "horrible disfiguring face trauma" I've seen, but it gets worse. When the girls are later discussing what goes on at the camp the woman with her back to them explains that most of the inmates are infected with various diseases to test experimental drugs. When one of the girls asks "And you, what did they do to you?" the woman with her back turned pauses a second and then whips her head around exposing an unconvincing and not even particularly horrendous red mark on her face. This surprise is accompanied by dramatic trumpet music that sounds like the noise a Ska band would make if their instruments fell out of the back of their truck on the interstate.

The dramatic face injury revelation is followed by a cut to a closeup of a bloody mass being manipulated by one of the evil bikini nurses. It is supposedly a woman's foot and based on the Rice Crispies sound loop playing in the background the evil nurses are either breaking her toes or pulling out her toenails. The woman having the violent pedicure is strapped into a chair naked with a white towel over her head and blood oozing through where her eyes are. A second nurse is taking her blood pressure and pulse rate while Ilsa stalks around doing the patented "villain's master plan" speech. Her research is intended to demonstrate that women have a higher pain tolerance then men do and would therefore make good frontline soldiers. As a gigantic pussy I will be the first to admit that most women have a higher pain tolerance than men, but I think Ilsa might be overlooking a few other issues about why they generally aren't used as frontline soldiers. Not to mention that the Germans actually did use women as soldiers, although not to the extent of the Soviets. No matter, it's not like a softcore porn movie devoted to honoring the holocaust needs to be particularly historically accurate.

The omnipresent evil female Nazi guards scold a bad prisoner. Meanwhile in a shitty night-for day shot in some nondescript dirty location Stilts and Frenchie are digging a grave for a dead woman. Frenchie, who is actually named Mario, explains what the camp is for to the incredulous American. This dialogue is some of the worst I have ever seen, frankly even worse than the pointless and repetitious soliloquies of Ilsa.

Here's a sample:

Frenchie: They are sterilized, and sent to the field brothels.
Stilts: Jesus
Frenchie: Perhaps they're lucky.
Stilts: Lucky?
Frenchie: Yes, there are others. The chosen few. They are taken by the commandant.
Stilts: Why?
Frenchie: I don't know. She has a room in her quarters, but nobody knows what she does there. But the women never return. But soon it will not matter.
Stilts: Not matter?
Frenchie: Because you, my friend, will have problems enough of your own.
Stilts: Problems?

I have seen better dialogue written for 5th grade talent show skits about Mrs. Henry's love of jellybeans, and those skits at least gave us the courtesy of only being about ten seconds long. This dialogue actually bridges two confusing, pointless, and ploddingly slow scenes of discussion between Frenchie and Stilts. In the second half of this riveting exchange Frenchie admits to having been castrated by Ilsa and states that he lives only for revenge. This is in direct contrast to the lazily nihilistic speech he was giving Stilts and his fucking retarded questions earlier.