Ilsa - She Wolf of the SS - Part One

Raaaaaaaaapppeee! Raaaaaaaape!!! Later that evening one of the female guards creeps silently into the women's barracks and whips a woman awake to take her to the guard's rape room. It took me a few minutes but I realized it was the woman who had the world class freak out in the crotch shaving office. As the guard drags the woman away screaming the movie cuts to Ilsa's office where she's burning the midnight oil writing her vital research documents about breaking women's toes. Two guards come in and inform her that one of the female inmates was caught talking to one of the male inmates, a crime for which both will be whipped. Ilsa has the guards send the woman to her secret lair of despair and then it's back to the guardhouse where things are just getting hot and heavy. All of the male guards have formed a ring around the sobbing inmate in anticipation of the rape-based activities and the gravel-voiced female shaving officer picks which man will have a first go at her.

The rape scene is not particularly graphic and consists mostly of a bunch of zombie-like guards surrounding her and groping her bare chest or dumping bottles of beer on her. More interesting is the scene back in Ilsa's lair where she's administering punishment to the man and woman caught talking to one another. Both have been tied naked and face down to tables and Ilsa - who has changed into a different Nazi uniform - stalks around admonishing them. The dress code has gone totally out the window in this sequence and Ilsa's two evil female hench-Nazis have removed their tops. The sweaty Nazi women barely seem to have the strength to lift the heavy flails they are lashing the inmates with and the sound effect of the whips making contact is hilariously out of synch with the actual impact. The lashing sequencing and the raping sequence are ineptly intercut to the point that I briefly forgot what I was watching and thought I had put on some bizarre fusion of "Indiana Jones" and "Day of the Dead". Eventually all three victims expire, the pair being whipped quite obviously from the brutal slow motion whipping, and the rape victim from a crap load of ketchup that was smeared all over hear naked body by the drunken guards. I'm guessing it's ketchup anyway, there were no actual wounds, just a bench of red goop, and they never showed any of them do anything to her that would make her bleed.

I'm telling you, no dress code at this place. Ilsa orders some takeout and has Stilts delivered to her flag-draped grandma bedroom for a little one on one discussion of her research. Stilts promises to satisfy her until she begs him to stop; a promise which he smugly manages to keep. Their lovemaking session consists mainly of her sitting on top of his groin screaming "harder, harder, oh hurt me!" while hardly moving at all. The camera pans up and then pans back down to much later in the evening with Stilts still rocking Meemaw Ilsa's world. His fortitude ultimately breaks her and at just before dawn Ilsa sends him packing back to the bunk house accompanied by upbeat patriotic music. Curious as to how anyone could spend a night with Ilsa and not come back a eunuch, Frenchie and the others ask Stilts what his secret technique was. Their questioning brings about a speech so fucking bad that I feel compelled to transcribe it just so that it can live on forever in text form as a sort of epitaph to how unbelievably bad this movie is.

"You see, when I reached puberty I discovered something about myself that set me apart from all of the rest of the guys. Something that made me unique I guess. One of a kind. It's very simple. I discovered I can hold back for as long as I want. I still can. All night if necessary. I guess you can call me a freak of nature, a sort of human machine that can set its controls to 'fast', 'slow', and 'never'. And you wanna know something? That never control just about drove her up the wall."

The surreally comical nature of this scene is slightly offset by the fact that it fades into a shot of the corpses of the two whipped people naked and hung by their feet from a yardarm. The chatty plague-bearing Cathies in the women's bunks are talking about a little of the old revolution. They think their shambling disease-wracked frames can overthrow the iron might of grandma and her Nazi cronies, but they realize they'll need the assistance of the male workers. Frenchie happens to be on "placing buckets in rooms" duty and enters the bunk with an armed guard to place a bucket in the room. Old scar face makes contact with him and a meeting is set for later that night. Oh. No. Not the. Evil dildo. Ilsa has other plans, diabolical plans that include a series of medical experiments for the newly arrived and still able-bodied ladies. The first step of these experiments, Ilsa explains, will be a thorough examination and testing of each woman to fully understand the intricacies of her body. Already my bullshit detector was clicking like crazy, because I think those ladies and I all know those examinations are going to involve a lot of pointless nudity and some retarded excuse to jam needles in their hands or something. After warning them to cooperate Ilsa leaves the evil Nazi girls with orders to proceed and stalks out. The prisoners shuffle uncomfortably and make faces that would be best described as a mixture of boredom and apprehension about their coming nude scene.

Sure enough, seconds later the women are all naked and being prodded by evil nazi women and fat scientist guys while Ilsa wanders around checking on their progress. Progress doing what exactly? Feeling their breasts for lumps? Detecting hair care issues? Most of the scientists and Nazi women are just sort of circling around each girl rubbing them and looking at them. Ilsa then produces a huge black vibrator from underneath a canvas tarp and strokes it lovingly while the women look on with the complete disinterest they're trying to pass off as horror.

Ouch. Ouch. My crotch. Owwww. Stop, please. An indefinite amount of time passes and one of the women comes staggering out of the medical building and collapses. Frenchie distracts the guards so that Stilts can walk over to her and ask her name, grab her hand, and then repeatedly stick her fingers into her mouth. I don't know, I assume it was an accident but while he's talking he sticks her index finger in her mouth like three times. As a director it's your responsibility to look at the rough cut of a scene like that and call for a reshoot, or optimally, take the cans of film containing "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS" and bury them in the fresh concrete foundation of a skyscraper or bridge.

Following this touching moment it's back to hell hospital, where things are getting a bit frisky with Black Steel the vibrating wonder wand. I guess I didn't realize that the giant vibrator also shot electricity into the women's vaginas when I first saw it, but according to the looped crackle sound effect I assume that's what it actually does. When Ilsa finishes with the first girl she pulls her hair, yells at her, and then sends her packing to make way for the next. The following woman sits down on the table and gets yelled at by the crankiest granny this side of the Rhine. Ilsa thankfully restricts all huge vibrator insertion to offscreen antics, but the sound effect of the insertion is hilariously overdone. It's an ancient stock sound effect that I immediately associate with cream pies hitting faces, someone getting slimed by Slimer in the "Ghostbusters" cartoon, or someone falling into a pit of gunk on "Scooby Doo".

Since it's the most awful movie I have ever seen my article on "Ilsa" ran a bit longer than I had anticipated. I have divided the piece into two more manageable chunks. Look forward to Part Two of this review next Wednesday!

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)